And so it begins...
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yes, one of our old favourite games is back.
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It's neither 'New' nor 'Improved'.
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But it'll make a lot of people very happy.
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Not me.
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CNN is not available here.
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That won't stop us from receiving biased broadcasting
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The BBC charter is up for public consultation,
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They're going to consult with a wide range of 10-16 year old Busted fans..
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Luckily, no-one can understand what they're saying, so no-one will take any notice anyway.
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Unfortunately, the consultant will be a secret Busted fan and so will base his recommendations upon their incoherent ramblings.
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Busted have been scientifically proven to improve brain power and concentration in the under-5s.
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Under-5s don't pay the license fee.
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Neither does anyone else.
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This means that we're back to Jim Davidson's Generation Game on a Saturday night.
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People will be forced to resurrect the lost arts of evening conversation.
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All of their conversation will consist of moaning of how there's never anything decent on the telly on a Saturday night.
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The conversation will probably turn to cricket.
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Sky will win all the bids to show cricket anyway.
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In which case there'll be extensive coverage of a national sport that England actually excel at. Wahay.
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England will suffer defeat at the hands of the UAE, Canada and France in quick succession.
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It'll all be over very quickly, then we can get on with being bad at something else.
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The BBC will cancel all decent weekday programmes to show us being bad at everything else.
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But the viewers will enjoy that, since the Brits are so good at Schadenfreude.
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Sadly, the Germans for one are better, seeing as they have a more accurate idea of what it is and can change the meaning at will.
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Thankfully, for the sake of uniformity we can take it to the courts at Brussels and have them change the entire language.
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By an EU directive, any change to German must be uniform across all other European languages.
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Ve hef vays (er, sorry) of ignoring EU directives.
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Still, 'Nadolig Llanen' doesn't sound quite right.
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It doesn't matter - everyone in Brussels is getting drunk.
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They'll be in a bad legislative mood when the hangover kicks in.
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The Belgians are famous for all the varieties of beer they brew, however, I can't think of any famous ones.
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The most famous ones are illegal in this country!
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Day trips to Brussels might be getting cheaper.
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More asylum seekers are clinging to the bottoms of the return journeys.
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Most of the return journeys are done by ferry. (ouch, even from me)
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Have you been on a ferry for two hours with a bunch of people returning from a booze-buying trip?
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Yes I have, and very enjoyably drunk I was too.
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...then you threw up.
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You got rid of all that filthy French beer and garlic.
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No you didn't. It was right there, and in the open now.
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Better out than in.
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Okay, but there's your liver as well.
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There are a group of surgeons on board, returning from a European conference.
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Half of them are vomiting over the side and the other half are waiting their turn.
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The mighty ocean is indifferent to their suffering, and its products.
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The fish who live in it, though, are none too thrilled.
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They'll eat anything.
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We have to eat them.
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I'm a proper vegetarian so I don't eat fish. Only Linda McCartney.
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Rab's a proper vegetarian so he doesn't eat fish, only Linda McCartney
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Linda McCartney is ready to help with my liver.
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There must be another Linda McCartney.
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Paul McCartney's a knight. His staff put him on his charger each morning. Who said he couldn't cut it with AC/DC?
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Paul has blown a fuse because Heather has a short in one leg.
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The Beatles are planning a comeback. (?!)
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All four of them will be on the tour.
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They'll be playing open air venues [Dujon & plump]heheheeh :o)
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...in Chittagong during monsoon season. (If Paul & Heather are dancing, and he spins her around on the wrong leg, does she get taller?)
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[Dr Q - ewwwwwwwwww!] Paul McCartney's become a new dad
Bad News -
That's old news. But it means there may be yet another McCartney telling us what to eat/wear/do/sing/etc
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(I like doing it this way!)*changing the subject* The new Lord of the Rings movie is out!
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The film buffs have already found 33 mistakes in it, and those aren't the ones related to the book!
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Most people didn't notice and had a thoroughly enjoyable time watching an exciting movie.
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We'll all have to hear over and over again how much it draws from box-office receipts.
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If it draws enough, Peter Jackson will get to film The Hobbit.
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Michael Jackson already has. Allegedly.
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Michael Jackson has a lot of 'Allegedlys' pending right now. Maybe one or two of them will stick and we won't be subjected to any more of his t*ss.
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Not until after his UK visit though.
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He couldn't do anything questionable on Christmas....
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In the US legal system, you can get aay with murger if you are rich and prominent enough, as it seems.
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"Murger" is the offence of owning a horse and carriage while having less than three barrels of tobacco to one's name.
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Three barrely of tobacco are unaffordable - unless you buy them in France.
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I don't smoke.
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At least I didn't until I caught my sleeve in a passing campfire
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Fortunately the Fire brigade were quick in their response.
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The Imperial Leather adverts don't work in real life.
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There are plenty more soaps on the TV.
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But they don't work either - or if they do, you'll end up with an unsightly rash.
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Sudocrem is good for rashes and babies!
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Its not a good substitute for whipped cream.
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Nothing like a good whipping.
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They eat whippets in Korea.
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Whippets are down due to a new, non-high-forming gas they're putting in the cream containers.
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If you re arrange the letters in Korea you get an orange drink that brings me out in boils!
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At least they're better than the bubos I had last week
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If you rearrange the letters in Korea their tyrannical Post Office will have you summarily executed.
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That's only in North Korea. In South Korea they will read out the entire text.
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Without a translation!
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Only Koreans have to be present.
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Everyone else misses out on the inevitable hilarity which ensues.
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Thus deprived I consoled myself with a Chic Corea CD. What a pianist!
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I'm tone deaf (but I do like the cover)
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At least I can look intellectual
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But only in the dark!
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You could thus make friends with Michael Howard, according to la Widdecombe.
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You would then be in the bad books of Miss Widdecombe.
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It's better than being in her little black book.
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I hear her little black box is now blonde too
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momus to dry clean his mind
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Dry-cleaning solvents have marked anaesthetic properties.
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An open gateway into self dentistry and the pulling of ones own teeth
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They haven't found a way to wake you up again
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They have found a way of waking you up again, by dangling you, in an infantile manner, over a crocadile
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You can hear an ominous ticking from this crocodile.
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Maybe it's just a harmless clockodile.
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Yeah, but that's brown trousers time if you're a pirate.
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That's more than offset by the fact that you get to say things like "Arrrr! Splice the mizzen! Avast behind! Arrrrr!" etc.
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But only once a year.
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At Chrismas time, on a big stage, with lots of B status type celebs, from crap soaps and you get paid to do it!!!
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There are numerous category D type celebs present too, including Ainsley Harriot (to whom you owe a sexual favour), plus you are getting paid in pigs trotters, which are no longer legal tender in your tent.
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At least you don't owe sexual favours to Anthony Worrel Thompson or Keith Floyd
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But unfortunately they owe you.
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Their `debt' can be exchanged for points, and what do points mean?
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The loss of my driving licence.....sigh!!
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You ghe chance to get lots of healthy walking exercise, during which you can reflect edifyingly on the transgressions which led you to this sorry pass.
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As you stumlbe across the sodden Heath you realise that these boots weren't made for walking.
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But the reinforced steel stillettos are perfect for collecting paper and trash, thus performing a good deed for the environment.
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A heel's just come off.
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You won't get back pain in later life from walking in flat shoes.
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You'll get it anyway, to judge from my contemporaries.
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You'll have a good excuse to lie down a lot and have things done for you.
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You don't really get to choose who you get.
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Martin Shaw is one of the volunteers
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I asked, but got Sandie Shaw.
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At least you didn't get Harold Shipman.
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you have an unexplicable desire to write to all his victims families , to try and undo all the bad that's been done, in a rather clumsy and invasive manner.
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Your computer crashes just before you print off all the letters, you realise you cant be bothered typing it all out again, so give up on the idea.
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You've been using M$ Word, so the AutoRecovery Wizard kicks in and brings the text back onto your screen.
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The AutoRecovery text looks like this:- $%hTg "_Fu^k228697 /E 100172 /N 2 /T 227739 >> endobj :-(
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You see a message from God in it.
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It doesn't contradict the message you heard from Satan whilst playing your Smiths LP's backwards.
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However it does instruct you to go forth and seek a trade promoting yoghurt.
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You are deprived, and have never heard of yoghurt, and so do not blow all your money on a pointless enterprise.
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What little money you do have left, is taken by the government as tax for the new "Yoghurt for all" initative
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poverty focuses your mind on your addictions..you decline that glass of Pinot Gris proferred by Gordon Brown on the Underground at Midnight
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You accept a swig from the bottle in the brown paper bag from the tramp sitting next to him.
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Hey maaan, it's marijuana vodka.
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Gordon Brown is sitting next to David Blunkett.
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marijuana vodka? don't play with me - where is it?
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They don't see you as they are both stoned
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Gordon Brown took your number and promised to call
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You gave him the number of a sex line.
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It is YOUR sex line.
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Your sex line brings in several thousand pounds a month!
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-
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Your sex-line is about to be closed down by the new fearsome OFCOM. (I think I have spilt too much tea in my keyboard :-( )
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Spilt tea in the keyboard of the computer controlling the sex-line telephone exchange puts paid to the enterprise before OFCOM can paste a closure notice on it and issue you with a warrant. Phew!
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Your computer is broke, and so are you. I can speak english, really.
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Your weary history of insomnia enables you to win first prize in the mind numbingly awful Channel FourTV 'show' "Shattered".
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Your so tired you don't really care and neither does the single member of the viewing public who botherd to tune in (by mistake)!
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The History of Insomnia is the provisional title of a new documentary from David Attenborough.
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That was supposed to read Good News
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If Attenborough's gone that far down the pan that's the end of civilisation as we know it.
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Ah ha! But if this project comes to fruition insomnia is cured.
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For the makers of Zopiclone and other such sedatives/night sedation!
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Civilization as we know it has ended so now we can all return to "Reality TV" and Eastenders.
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You're appearing in the next reality show, in which you have to be a stuntman for an episode of Eastenders.
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The latest incident in Eastenders involves Alfie drowning in a vat of beer.
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It's KwikSave's own-label lager-style beer, which retails at 20p per pint.
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Everyone mourns Alfie so much that they end Eastenders. Forever.
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It's replaced by Westenders, a soap opera set among the theatre-going chattering classes.
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At least it won't take six of them to make a brain.
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It will take seven.
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Seven is the scriptwriter's luck number, so he will gamble everything he has on roulette.
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The roulette wheel is made out of swiss roll shaped french cheese, the casino is really a front for some bent butchers money laundering scam and you are accused of interfering with a dozen disabled dolphins by your unworthy peers.
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The unworthy peer is Lord Archer. Oblig.
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Your DNA was found on one of the aforementioned porpoise, a pork pie is located in your make up drawer and thats Port Salut in your hair!
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The pork pie tasted really nice with that slice of wild garden pickle (see other game!)
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The pickle was really a slug with the face of James Dean!
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The Silver Spider Porche 505 never crashed ..it merely nudged a bollard on the A14
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the nudged bollard threw the contraflow system out of alignment and the resulting traffic confusion and congestion snaked back towards the M6 to the west and Ipswich to the east, preventing thousands of families from arriving on time for their holdays on the Norfolk Broads.
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It was raining, so they wouldn't have enjoyed them anyway.
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It was acid rain and 50% of them melted!
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The Litmus paper states that the acid is benign, almost alkaline, and Morrissey walks into your living room with the acetate of his new LP "You are the Quarry"...you get a taxi to Bermondsey to celebrate.*champagne pops*
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Your taxi gets caught in the nation-wide gridlock caused by problems on the M6, and you have no food.
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The term gridlock as it applies to the alimentary system has finally been allowed the official term ridlock
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You are in a hotel room in Soho with Morrissey and there are a dozen taxi's outside..you hail one and forget to blow him
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You also stole his hearing aid, so he is no longer able to make mind numbing solo albums!
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You forgot you were his agent - now you're skint. (This is getting very silly)
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Liberated from possessions, you go away and sit in a cave for ten years, and so find enlightenment.
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You now have a very sore arse, intolerance to light, loss of all social niceties and have no clothes.
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You are, therefore, ideally suited to a position in local government. you make stacks of money by awarding contracts to huge faceless corporations that bung you some tax-free cash in exchange. (oh just read the bath chronicle you'll see what I mean...)
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Those faceless corporations are Halliburton, Parmalat, and Enron.
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You are therefore untouchable, and can rest soundly knowing they will never even attempt to prosecute you.
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They do, however, prosecute your cat, your mother and anyone else who ever remotely knew you.
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Your conscience having withered years back through your suspect business practices, you simply couldn't care less.
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Everything else about your person has also withered
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At least you didn't blow Morrisey. (comus] did I read that right?)
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But he did give you a copy of his next cd (Groan)
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You now don't have to waste money on a coaster.
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You no longer have a mate like Morrissey to make you mugs of tea to stand on the coaster
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Tea is bad for you anyway.
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You used to drink 20 mugs a day, and now you're getting severe withdrawal symptoms.
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Johnny Marr loves your sister and gives a ton of cocaine to Bermondsey
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You live in Llandudno
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And so does Mrs Trellis, who reliably informs me that there is a thriving drugs scene in these ultra-respectable Welsh versions of the Costa Geriatrica.
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Unfortunately, you get swindled when you try to buy some E and then realise the old biddy actually sold you enalapril, an anti-hypertensive.
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You crush it up and snort the lot and experience a massive wave of relief and joy as the tension oozes out of every pore.
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But then you collapse on the floor due to a massive hypotensive effect.
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Lib is there watching you and rushes in to help with her trusty stethoscope !
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The floor is weakened by the rush of activity and opens up, you both fall, head first, deep down into the underworld.
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It's remarkably similar to London, so you already know your way around.
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But the sulphurous fumes coupled with the fact that all the transport runs efficiently and on time, leaves you significantly disorientated.
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You realise, after a while, that you are in Dnepopetrovsk, and vodka is very, very cheap.
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Vodka makes you come out in spots. All over.
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Hot mud packs make one look much younger than one actually is and, as an added benefit, cure acne, red-eye and gout.
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But tastes bloody awful in vodka
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The vodka company give you a lifetime's supply to compensate.
Bad News -
With that quantity of bad vodka, your lifetime is likely to be very short.
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Its Hot Mud that you have been given a lifetime's supply of.
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You haven't got much lifetime left.
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Your place in Heaven has been assured.
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Through a clerical error, you are sent to spend eternity haunting Lancashire instead.
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That's where the cleric who made the error lives.
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You have just realised that the clerical error means that you are now haunting Lancashire, when in fact the true depth of the error is that you never actually died yet.
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That is not rigor mortis, its just a very serious hangover.
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You've actually been drinking methylated spirits.
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It has cured you of your terrible haliotosis and sorted out your gum disease a treat.
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You now have 2 bellybuttons.
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Your twin navels are a novel place to put those new earrings.
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Those earrings are miniature Teletubbies.
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They're dead.
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Po is starting to get a bit whiffy.
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Its attracting a vast amount of flies of varied species for your new insect collection!
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It makes people mistake you for Beelzebub.
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Which is just as well because you are about to launch a devilish plan ...
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Michael Howard has beaten you to it.
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You won't have to lead the Tory party after all....
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...because you'll be busy leading Labour...
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Which is a good reason to move to and live in Canada...
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Canada is uncomfortably near the USA.
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You love the USA !!
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You have to say that, the US Army has just abducted you to Guantanamo Bay.
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The beaches there are marvellous.
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You're not going to be spending any time on them, are you?
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Software -
that was me with a "tab" issue.
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You were going on a diet anyway.
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It's the Atkins diet.
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As a cannibal, this is your own version of the Atkins Diet. Once a week, you look up "Atkins" in the phone book, and the rest is self-explanatory.
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This is illegal, and they've just caught you at it.
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Private Eye call it the Fatkins Diet.
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The Fatkin Diet is a genetic/hereditary problem.
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You can blame it on your parents.
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My parents are aliens (shnoorb ack ack ack wibble)and only visit once every 100 years.
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At least they don't visit any more frequently.
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But the next visit is tomorrow, and your in-laws are meeting them for the first time.
Good News -
The will probably abduct your in-laws and take them back to the planet Zog for experimentation.
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The will probably abduct your in-laws and take them back to the planet Zog for experimentation. Bugger, done it again!
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They'll be back.
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They are bringing presents for everyone this time!
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You will be expected to show gratitude for some useless trinket.
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You have earings that are made of the kind of organic matter which you do not need gratification for.
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Earwigs prefer earrings over earings. Regardless, they are rather pedantic individuals and do have a problem with their 'earing.
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You like squashing earwigs
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Guess what you'll be coming back as in the next life?
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As a football supporter, finding true fulfilment by chanting Earwig-o, earwig-o, earwi....
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My football team steadfastly follows the maxim "And pigs might fly" when it comes to winning - still, being bolt on trotters, it's to be expected. Lovely, Rosie, that brought out a large chuckle. Fortunately the better half is out shopping. :)
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I shall stick equally steadfastly to my self-imposed prohibition against mentioning anything to do with my football team, except to say, contrary to what a historian might assume, that it is not located in a small village in North Yorkshire.
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Tectonics is an art, nay, a discipline, which is somewhat shifty.
-
You switch to Teutonics and start a career in world domination.
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The Rest of the free world spoil your party (and it takes the Italians a while to realize they are on the wrong side!)
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A few are hanging from lampposts.
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They're doing pullups.
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This gives them sexy strong shoulders!
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They don't believe you when you say that you've redefined "Master Race" to mean "people with sexy strong shoulders".
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One in ten men do. Though not for the same reason as the other nine.
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You need these men to help propagate the new elite.
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They're accommodating.
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But you're not.
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Tony Blair has survived the rducation vote. Err, something wrong here? Ed.
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Tony Blair has survived the (e)ducation(?) vote.
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The BBC is now creating its own news and cutting out the middle man.
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The middle man is cutting himself up
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He's delicious with fava beans and a nice Chianti.
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Unfortunately all you have is a bottle of meths.
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Luckily, your murder rap for cutting out the middle man has been reduced to manslaughter.
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He was the brother of the Osama bin Laden.
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You are Osama bin Laden.
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The entire free world are after you.
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Isn't it grand to be so popular?!
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No.
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You're stuck in an 8ft snow drift
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It gives you an excuse for mixing the order up!
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Not when it's your first day as a waiter at the Cannibals' Bistro, where customers are guaranteed "recompense" for bad service.
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Being a leper, it's the only job you can get. You're so delighted to have it, you're giving away tips. COAT!
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You get sacked for some misdemeanour in the broom cupboard, you try to appeal but realise you haven't got a leg to stand on. [ penelope, please get my coat while your at it ]
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The establishment have been taken over by MacDonalds.
-
The establishment have been taken over by MacDonalds.
-
This isn't the same as McDonalds, the fast food retailer.
-
...which means it gets burned down in a midnight raid by Clan Campbell, the hereditary enemies of Clan MacDonald ever since the days of the Glencoe Massacre.
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Barbecue!
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You're not quite sure exactly what it is/was that you're barbecuing.
-
A fresh supply of veggie burgers have arrived.
-
Morrissey complains that these veggie burgers aren't fit for liberated lab mice
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They are good enough for the vegetarians
-
They consist mostly of beans, and the side-effects are horrendous.
-
I have patented a method of collecting flatulence.
-
The follow through research leaves you in a sticky mess
-
If you're a vegetarian, it makes good fertiliser.
-
The only plants that thrive on your human vegetarian ordure are the GM ones.
-
They make excellent conversationalists
-
...but only in Cantonese
-
That means it's a great time to start learning a new language.
-
The EU have declared that all EU residents must learn French.
-
Our food thus becomes much better.
-
But our toilets will get worse.
-
We don't care, as we are all too busy making lurve and quoting poetry.
-
... to ugly, hairy people who cannot speak properly.
-
I'm only two out of the above three.
-
You're a mute.
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No need to learn French, then.
-
You get extra garlic rations to make up for it.
-
You're off to Transylvania next week, so the extra garlic will come in handy.
-
Customs take it from you before entering the country.
-
They don't let you enter the country at all.
-
They deport you to Afghanistan.
-
They let you go into Pakistan, where the locals are impressed by your cricketing expertise.
-
You realise that cricket is the most tedious activity in the world, and face a hideous death from boredom.
-
You turn to meditation to escape boredom and find God (underneath a small rock). God tells you to start a new religion.
-
You're still in Pakistan, and the locals are unimpressed by your choice of religion.
-
You soon talk them round to your way of thinking.
-
Unfortunately, religion is not about thinking.
-
But all the atheists are to busy not thinking to notice anyway.
-
They're too busy talking on their mobiles while driving (or not) on the M25/Parkway East/[insert your local static motorway here].
-
You call on God to smite all mobile phone users with ear-boils. He does! Your religion obtains 100 million new converts.
-
They have all just been smitten ie they are dead.
-
They're actually all smitten with you. You're popular again!
-
It's one of those religions where as the leader, after a night of hedonist splendour, you are sacrificed to ensure well-being in the coming year.
-
At least there will be well-being in the coming year.
-
Not for you
-
You persuade your most faithful acolyte to take your place disguised as you, and sneak off to live in quiet obscurity in another country.
-
Who wants to be quiet and obscure?
-
YOU DO ! And you achieve it, living in a beautiful house designed by Le Corbusier in the midst of the French Alps.
-
There is an avelanche and your house is swept into oblivion together with your collection of Picasso and Salvador Dali paintings.
-
Your surreal world is gone. You can return to sanity.
-
There ain't no Sanity Clause* in your contract.
*credit Mr. Marx
-
Your contract is as a strictly non-playing footballer. However you still full wages of £millions a week!
-
Your club is going to have start laying you all off to avoid going into administration.
-
You still make a personal fortune in advertising revenue.
-
It's in Parmalat, and you're paid in stock options.
-
A quick bit of thinking and fast-talking allows you to dump the stock and make a tidy profit.
-
At least it would, but being a football player means you are incapable of thinking or talking at anything like a high speed.
-
You employ people to do your quick thinking for you
-
They think quickly enough to empty your bank account and disappear before you notice anything has happened.
-
You sell your story for a lot of money
-
You are immediately sued for libel by almost everyone you mention.
-
Being a thick sporty type, you got all their names slightly wrong, and they have no case.
-
Just when you think you are not going to do time, your nicked for steroid abuse at a local beauty pagent.
-
With one sweep of your steroid-enhanced shoulders you fell your captors and are free.
-
Unbalanced on your stilleto heels, your boxer shorts are grabbed from behind.
-
You instinctively kick backwards, driving your stilleto into one of your captor's ohmygods.
-
You can't pull the stiletto out again.
-
Thinking quickly (for you), you free your foot, leaving the shoe dangling behind.
-
A Cinderella-style manhunt has now begun.
-
Thinking quickly, you cut off both your feet. (Has it been mentioned before how thick you are? Oh yes, good)
-
You lose nearly 5 pints of blood from the leg wounds and get blood all over your white satin boxer shorts!!
-
Red is the new white.
-
Due to an almost total lack of blood, you are now an unfashionable white.
-
"Pale and interesting" was at one time a discreet expression of sexual interest.
-
every one you know is red/white colourblind and ignores you!
-
Capable of near invisibilty, you perpetrate a series of daring crimes.
-
They're crimes against fashion, and you are widely mocked once they are discovered.
-
Your bad taste brings you fame and fortune in the great fashion magazines of the world!
-
Because of that, everyone thinks that you are Victoria Beckham.
-
ITV want you in there next Celebrity reality show.
-
You've agreed to do it
-
It could be fatal
-
As you are still invisible, no one can see you to vote you out. You are trapped in a jungle with 2 Ant/Decs forever!
-
The two Ant's take a shine to you and smuggle in six pack of beer.
-
Low alcohol beer
-
It is Belgian, so "Low Alcohol" actually means 5.5%
-
I can't think of any possible reason why the last entry could be in any way, shape or form, bad news.
-
I can
-
The next post will takeus back to the tenuously constructed story.
-
The sheer tenuousness of the story means that we've forgotten it, and we can now place ourselves wherever we like - say, as president of the United States.
-
If so, you'll have your arse licked by Tony Blair.
-
Of the 640 coalition deaths in Iraq only 545 are Americans.
-
95 of them weren't
-
The 95 that weren't were *caused* by Americans
-
That *was* the Bad News
-
'Good News' and 'Bad News' are now indistinguishable, meaning that newsreaders need no longer practise 'good news' and 'bad news' facial expressions and the ban on botox treatments and collagen lip-implants for newsreaders is lifted.
-
Everything that newsreaders say is still utter guff.
-
To gain more viewers the news is to be made more entertaining.
-
Regrettably there turns out to be a greater number of wars than rescued kittens.
-
A lot of the kittens rescued are from war torn areas!
-
Those kittens are all cleverly disguised bombs
-
Kittens can be deployed in 45 minutes and are considered as WMD. (They are in my house anyway).
-
Hans Blix can't find his kitten.
-
But the rumour is that he has a Tiger in his tank (pun intended!)
-
It's a real tiger
-
But it's tanked on watermelon-flavoured alco-pops, and can only manage a rumbling 'hic-purrrrrrrrr-hic-purrrrrrrr' as it staggers about.
-
This is no good for running Hans' car.
-
It is listed as a driver on his insurance
-
He'll probably be losing his no claims bonus.
-
No one has ever stopped his tank to ask for proof of insurance
-
Parked on double yellow lines its just been clamped.
-
He's reached the age when it's good to take things a little slowly.
-
He's chosen not to
-
He intends to succeed Michael Schumacher as Formula One World Champion when he retires.
-
Michael Schumacher is not going to retire
-
This is because he's being cloned, thus bring into the world a race of chaffeurs.
-
chaffeurs are like pigs in Beverly Hills, your mother is a sow farmer in Mexico and you forgot to make porridge for your daughter
-
That made perfect sense
-
Ce qui chaffe est un chaffeur.
-
Your French knowledge is practically zero, so there's no bad news.
-
The french
-
It's only a matter of time before the Americans notice them.
-
The Americans aren't the most efficient and they'll probably take out Briain on the way in.
-
They've only taken out the T but then they have a history of that.
-
They're going after Brian next.
-
Brian is probably marginally safer than he would be if he were fighting on the Americans' side. Oooh! controversial political satire!
-
Not if Mel Gibson has anything to do with it.
-
At least a decent British actor will play the baddie.
-
British actors *always* play the baddie.
-
The baddie is the best role by far!
-
Every decent British actor who has ever been cast as a baddie has emigrated.
-
There's always Brian Blessed...
-
There will always be Brian Blessed!
-
He's about to emigrate.
-
...taking you with him.
-
First class all the way
-
You are flying by Bashkirian Airlines
-
Their first class is quite good, actually.
-
You're only saying that to be polite to them.
-
They dont understand a word of what you've been saying.
-
The captain also doesn't understand a word Air Traffic Control have been saying.
-
The captain does understand the letters and numbers, which is enough for him to avoid crashing into any other aircraft.
-
...but not sand dunes isolated in the middle of the Saharan Desert.
-
But he's so lost he couldn't even find the Sahara
-
He's found Birmingham city centre.
-
So has the SAS! They're here to arrest the air crew and Brian Blessed on terrorism charges!
-
You're going with them, and because you've been designated an enemy combatant you won't have access to a lawyer, the right to trial, or even knowledge of what you are accused of while you languish in prison for an unspecified number of years.
-
They have a draughts set in the prison, and your are a world champion draughts (checkers)player!
-
No one will play against you
-
It's a singles draughts championship
-
None of the women going to this singles championship want a date with you.
-
One of the men does
-
He's too butch. (Did I say that out loud? Hide me!)
-
You beat him at draughts, softening him up.
-
He wants to play a new game involving a cucumber, axle grease and a tin of Spam!
-
You have the option of saying "no."
-
Caryl Chessman will be the adjudicator.
-
They get on so well they decide to play the game together instead, and you can leave them to it.
-
You've got nothing else to do all day now no-one'll play you at draughts, so you end up watching.
-
The Governor, a well known Manchester City supporter has decided to throw a party for all the inmates.
-
Most of them support Man U, as might be expected.
-
That means you're the governor's favourite.
-
Being the Gov's favourite means that you will get beaten up every day in the toilet block and only get the burnt bits in the dining hall.
-
You actually quite like the burnt bits.
-
Zat iz all ou are gettong, frome noo oon!
-
At least you don't support Ipswich Town. Not a common affliction, but a painful one
-
You support Wimbledon. A very uncommon affliction indeed. Actually I support Chelsea and have done so for 48 years. Never taken themselves too seriously, I'm glad to say; winning something would be rather vulgar, I feel. :-)
-
But at least they've moved to Milton Keynes so there is no way you will accidentally wander into the ground on match days. C'mon U R's - Super Hoops!
-
Owing to the limited space in Milton Keynes, Wimbledon is going to merge with the Open University.
-
The chanting from the stands is now grammatically correct
-
It's not quite so catchy.
-
Simon Cowell wants to record the team song.
-
He wants to play it to us later.
-
The Mute button's working OK. (Snodders) Only been once to Loftus Rd, and saw them beaten 6-3 at home by Reading. All I can remember is that it was a warm midweek night and research shows it was 21st Aug 1961.
-
But the window is open and the sound will get through anyway. [Rosie] Mmmm It may have changed a bit since 1961. Heavens we all have! It obviously had a profound effect on you though - to remember it so vividly. If you go again before neat April you will still qualify as a regular though. I get to more away games - living in Leicester (Dont ask).
-
It's actually quite good.
-
There is such a thing as damning with faint praise.
-
You've gone deaf and can't hear it
-
The angry mob outside your door can.
-
Your door is a vortex leading to a magical world of tiny shrimps made from candy and all the women look like Kylie...
-
Kylie is very overrated.
-
Not by many people here, I would imagine, or at least hope.
-
Kylies bum wants a trial seperation and a cut of the profits!
-
Gordon Brown has not raised the duty on Kylie related products.
-
There is an danger of a KY reference entering the conversation. Slippery customers these Politicians - I should know.
-
I think Kirsty Young is a bit of all right. (Snodders) You're not a . . . .? ?
-
She's probably spoken for! [Rosie] I wasn't last time I looked....!!
-
She requires so much speaking for, she employs people to deliver her after dinner speeches. [Snodgrass] There's no need to be ashamed you know...;P
-
The next tme she looks, she discovers she is a politican!
-
It's not compulsory to vote for her.
-
It's not compulsory to vote. Ooh, controversial.
-
Most voters are stupid anyway, so the fewer of them vote the better. Upping the controversy ante...
-
The abstention rate amongst the stupid may be no higher than amongst the intelligent.
-
Its Saturday and the politicos are all in their constituencies kissing hands and shaking babies and keeping well off our TV's allowing us to concentrate on the Rugby. Well something like that.
-
Your rugby watching is about to be interrupted by a politician at the door.
-
You're a Wales fan, so any excuse to get away is welcome. Controversy re-invoked
-
The politician is from Plaid Cymru, and is very angry at your attitute towards the Welsh team.
-
The politician helps you drown your sorrows as the team comes a close second.
-
Its now Monday and he's still here and my single malt has all gone!
-
You now have a photo of that politician in a politically compromising position.
-
You're in that photo too.
-
But only part of your thumb over the lens, as the rest of your was behind the camera taking the photo.
-
That's not your thumb.
-
No one can tell it's not your thumb
-
Everyone can tell that it is your wanger.
-
...due to its immense size. (Wishful thinking...)
-
Googolplex was right. It is wishful thinking.
-
You are well-trained in the art of doctoring photos.
-
You mistakenly sent the original version to the newspapers.
-
It's your wanger and not your face in the photograph, so no-one recognises you.
-
You get analysed by Cosmopolitan's psychic wanger reader, who says you have severe psychological difficulties and are probably bad in bed too. (I am not making this up. It's like palmistry, only not.)
-
You have a very nice bookcase in your hallway!
-
It's full of photos of your wanger.
-
Rosie is a master of Photoshop Elements (ref Would you welcome please) and can edit the photo to make it look like you weren't there [just like the sixties]
-
This Stalinist-style rewriting of history brings about a totalitarian Communist regime.
-
Rosie will be in charge of the totalitarian regime
-
I would have dictator's HQ on my doorstep here in South Croydon. It's true, with Rosie living about 15mins away from me, Croydon would be the centre of a tyrannical dictatorship...
-
There would be no detectable change, then, if car-parking charges are anything to go by. (Snodders) What 60's is that? Mine? How dare you? :-)
-
Locomotive technology would be forced to revert to steam.
-
Then perhaps the trains would run on time.
-
...well, at least the past could be 'altered' 1984-style so that they had run on time.
-
Everything else would return to how it was in 1984 too. Not a bad thing, imho.
-
Thatcher!!!
-
Beer is less than a pound a pint in pubs!
-
Thatcher again. I had forgotten about her, I must admit.
-
It is 1984 but with a Totalitarian Communist Regime in power. Thatcher is tried in a show trial on TV and is thrown to the lions bringing in the largest TV audience the world has ever seen.
-
... for the lions
-
Lions are cool.
-
They prey upon herd animals.
-
Humans are herd animals! Yayayay... hang on...
-
Not enough Lions to eat the humans!!
-
There are enough lions to eat the stupid ones.
-
You're pretty stupid yourself.
-
But not as stupid as GWB [mmm, is that really good news?]
-
The lions are refusing to eat GWB.
-
I'm not refusing. Pass the ketchup!
-
That's not ketchup.
-
world inding attack stance.(you will all bouw down to me!)
-
This is normally a child-free zone.
-
The trained child attack Lions, are not doing a thorough enough job!
-
I've found the real ketchup and am preparing to persue 'death ball'
-
Hes wearing running shoes and has a two-day head start.
-
Owing to his unusually low brain power, he's running towards you.
-
The brain is usually the tastiest part. (I'm told, honest, officer)
-
Thank goodness I'm not that hungry.
-
...he is.
-
I've got the ketchup.
-
He's got the stuff you thought was ketchup earlier, and he's applying it liberally.
-
He applying it to himself.
-
watching this makes you feel strangely excited.....
-
It's also making you hungry
-
It's making you hungry for things which aren't him.
-
Those other things are readily available. You have some with you right now.
-
That doesn't get rid of 'death ball'
-
He seems to have toddled off anyway.
-
The rather attractive Condoleezza Rice seems to no longer be a darling of the 'free press'. Bugger! :-(
-
You still have her tied up in your basement
-
You've got Dick Cheney too.
-
They are now at your disposal.
-
Close-up, they're not as attractive as you thought.
-
You haven't opened the other sack of squirming bodies yet.
-
The squirming bodies have no heads.
-
They are nutritious and delicious.
-
Only if you're an insect.
-
Free insect eggs with all meals at Pizza Hut!!
-
Cockroaches purchased at take-away food outlets are deliberately bred sterile in order that customers cannot replicate them at home.
-
They go great with sweet and sour dipping sauce.
-
They think you do, too.
-
They're right
-
You realise you have forgotten what the hell is going on in the thread of the story, and at the same time are picked up in a big PANDA car by the Police.
-
Hooray! The Police have reformed and are going to give a free impromptu concert on this shiny tank (disguised as a panda) you happen to be riding. (See Weird Anime Excel Saga for reference)
-
Sting wants to have tantric sex with you.
-
He won't have time, the panda is actually a bomb. ([LotUS] You think Excel Saga is weird, you should see Puni Puni Poemy)
-
The police have their robot bomb diffuser - codename Ropponmatsu - present. [GL] Nah, just giving it's full title. I've seen PPP and was horribly scarred ;) Then I saw the last episode of Excel *sweatdrop*)
-
You're still going to get blown up before he can start. [LotUS] The last episode of Excel is odd I'll grant you, but nowhere near as odd as PPP or even Dragon Half or BPS
-
You're going to get blown up before he can start! LotUS] Was that meant to say "scarred"? Or just scared?
-
Its that time already, so you pack up and go home!
-
No one can be arsed following my previous posting....ha ha....and the have landed in Washington DC!!
-
I don't know what that means, and I'm very happy about it.
-
Neither does good ole George B........
-
... Smith, a Yorkshire paint stripper.
-
He's a raht menace wi' t' blowlamp.
-
You've never been within 1000 miles of Yorkshire in your life.
-
You have to spend 6 months in't dales, dipping sheep!!!!
-
You have an unusual fondness for sheep.
KH -
Bad News (for the sheep)
On a plate.
Rosie -
Good News (for the sheep)
They aren't as compliant as one might expect. Welsh sheepshagger jokes will be treated with the utmost disdain.
-
Welsh sheepshagger jokes will be treated with the utmost disdain.
-
Scottish sheepshagger jokes will be most welcome
-
Jokes about Kiwi sheep shaggers are thin on the ground!
-
Kiwis in this case are flightless birds
-
I don't think unemployed air stewardesses would like to addressed thus.
-
Trolly Dollies keep shares in Avon cosmetics at a Premium! (The amount of foundation sold alone could surface the Pan american highway at least 4 times in 1 year!)
-
In view of the above, they've renamed it the Pan-Stick American Highway. It's surfaced in a shade of American Tan for spring, and has blue mascara'd grasses fringing its verges. Unfortunately it gunks up tyres, wheels and brakes something chronic, and supplies of make-up remover at car-washes all over the US are running at an all-time low.
-
You don't live anywhere near it, have no intention of going, and happen to own a huge factory that makes make-up remover.
-
The USA intend to build the Pan global highway followed by the Pan Galactic highway very soon, and the The Vogons have bought shares in both Rimmel and Avon cosmetics!!! Come back Douglas Adams we miss you!!!!!
-
You didn't buy "The Salmon of Doubt"
-
Doggy has decided to end the game, as he is looking for a spot to start off a Bad Tempered Mornington Crescent game, and this is the only one he feels he has really played in enough to KILL.
-
*shouts, screams, generally goes wild for st dogmael*
-
Well thank god that is over.
-
There's a spate of psychotic sounding WORDS and RAGE out there.
-
C**t,Bo***x,Tw*t,F**k................
-
Botox only has one T (though cart, twit and funk were all flawlessly spelled. Keep up the good work!).
This is the end of the line. There is no more.