Well, slap my jammy badger its a communal round robin. Finish off the last sentence and start the next in the manner of your choosing.
And so it begins...
rab - ...bamboozled by the accolades I've been receiving. I never knew that...
Raak - my walnut and grasshopper chutney would prove so popular! I've been quite rushed off my feet keeping up with
penelope - developments in the organic preserves industry and my sponsorship deal with...
barbacoa - McDonalds, which oddly enough has led me to have frequent contact with...
Inkspot - -a charity worker with Help the Aged who unfortunately is of again next week to...
Kim - Addis Ababa, where, so I'm told, there are literally several...
DrQu+xum - ...million llamas. Fortunately, they live in harmony with...
plump - vegetarian lions whose antlers and carapace are used by the local....
LotUS - computer manufacturer as 'naturalistic' components. These are then sold to...
Software - ..Welsh hill farmers who, unusually, install Linux and then place them inside their sheep pens so that...
Bob the dog - they can't carry on crashing windows. Have you heard what happened to
gil - the Queen last time she went horse racing at Ascot? Apparently, Prince Philip made
Raak - a bundle betting against the Queen's horses and they were back to sleeping in separate palaces for the rest of the month. But I am getting ahead of myself. In February we
Dazed5 - start gun-running for the Mau Mau who are not as bad as
snorgle - the Japanese Prime Minister would have you think! We are so proud of little Samantha who has just
Breadmaster - finished an entire jar of walnut and grasshopper chutney by herself. However, I knew that
Boolbar - she would suffer the repercussions long into the night. That nice Mr. Wicker couldn't
Bob the dog - stop banging on the partition wall until at least three AM! Fortunately, the other neighbours
snorgle - are Satanists,and used her strange howlings to summon up Asmodeus, who made short work of Mr Wicker, the naughty fornicator! Unfortunately, now Samantha
LotUS - ...has taken an interest in their activities and is pestering us for a pet goat. We've decided to, instead, get her...
Lib - ....a year's supply of drugs, hoping that it'll enable her to...
Zooological Keeper - ...
believe that she has a pet goat, thereby giving me enough free time for...
Chalky - ... writing this journal. March heralded the disintigration of ...
Ch - sp/disintegration of ...
Dazed5 - my sofa which I only bought in February, mainly with the proceeds from
Riff - ... the new Quentin Tarantino movie. The police have...
Chalky - ... since taken away samples for questioning. Later in the month, I agreed to ...
rab - ...undress for a charity calendar. The WI thought it was...
penelope - something to do with
What Chutney? magazine and they all encouraged me to go. As it turned out ...
Software - ..the photographer was a Franciscan Monk who had just returned from a sebatical in Rome. He had never seen a ....
LotUS - ...pickle that size before and promptly fainted. He was resusscitated by...
Tuj - ...the charity worker from Help the Aged, who was in attendance because...
Lib - ... rumour has it that chutney can be used as a substitute for coal. On a lighter note, I'm looking forward to....
Zooological Keeper - ...going carolling with the poor monk next Thursday. We're starting off our rounds by...
Software - ..singing outside the Dog and Duck, opposite the police station where that nice PC Plod will supply us with mince pies and mulled cocoa, and then we will...
Darren - ...beat him senseless before scarpering. Later, we'll drop round to the vicarage for a...
rab - ...nice glass of our homemade walnut and grasshopper wine we gave Rev Shore last Christmas. Odd how...
Darren - ...his head feels so leathery to the touch. I then intend to present some chutney to the Franciscan in the vicar's presence, who I trust will provide us with...
Dazed5 - a copy of a Haynes manual for my 1975 Cortina, but failing that any...
LotUS - ...one who has a copy going spare can send me details of where to send a cheque. I need to replace...
Tuj - ...both the axles, as I had to remove them to fit to my device for making walnut and grasshopper chutney. I intend to...
Darren - ...get chutney into that monk if it's the last thing I do! I think the reason for all this is, several months ago, I went to...
Software - ..Vanuatu. The weather was lovely, not at all like North Wales. I particularly liked the volcanos. We have something similar in Blaenau Ffestiniog, although it doesn't smoke..
Boolbar - my herring as well as the one in Vanuatu. If anyone wants to try my smoked herring and radish relish just...
Tina - I see someone open one of my relish jars and just stick their...
Software - ..stamps on the label and post it to..
penelope - me in North Wales. On a happier note, March brought with it...
Boolbar - a nice gift from someone called Ann Summers. Imagine my delight upon opening the package to find...
Chalky - ... the replacement axles for the clapped-out Cortina. So, fully re-axled and relax-ed [geddit?], we opted for a spring holiday motoring around ...
LotUS - ...the rainforests of Central America. Imagine my surprise when...
Software - ..the axles got infested with termites. We had to jack-up the car and remove the..
Dazed5 - assylum seekers who had fixed themselves to the axles with...
Darren - ...walnut and grasshopper chutney. After we'd done that, I discovered, to my astonishment, that I was able to use the jack on my...
Poisoned Pigeon - tent pegs to hammer them into the ground. Things were going really well putting up the tent until.....
Tina - The asylum seekers demanded that tea...
Zooological Keeper - ...should be served with walnut and grasshopper chutney. Well, seeing as they'd used the last of our supplies to stick themselves to our car, we had no recourse but to...
Martha Farquar - ...dash right into the rainforest and hide in an ancient Mayan temple until they'd all gone away. Little did we know (da-da-da-dumm!) that the temple was...
Dazed5 - actually in Doncaster so i was't a rainforest at all but...
Zooological Keeper - ...an elaborate set built by a 'reality' TV production company that they were using to stage a programme, mostly about...
Darren - ...the Doncaster and District Chrysanthemum Society. I went into the diary room and spent a good three hours talking to...
Dujon - a rather
strange lady who introduced herself as Mrs Trellis. She had an odd accent for Doncaster but said that she was visiting from...
LotUS - ...an undisclosed loaction somewhere in Wales but if she were to reveal the exact location she would have to...
Software - ..refer to a detailed ordinance survey map because it is a very remote and rather unknown place somewhere in the...
Darren - ...copyright statement. I must say I was rather surprised by all this, because, as you know, I've always thought of myself as Mrs Trellis, but suddenly I realised she was my...
Bob the dog - own reflection in a mirror-fronted office complex. Silly me. Still I had a good half hours worth of
Darren - ...violence from the director of this reality TV show when he, and a few heavies, burst onto the set demanding why I was messing up his Chrysanthemum show. I managed to escape by...
snorgle - ...offering my sexual service to all six of them, and then when they collapsed into an exhausted heap, I took the director's car keys and drove away in...
Software - ..his Lamborghini. I was very impressed by the gear shift although the engine pinked a bit when I was driving down the M6 at 20 mph. I noticed that I had spilt some chutney on the white leather seats and while I was trying to clean it off I ran into the back of..
Dazed5 - beyond, somewhere near Mansfield. I stopped at a red light and suddenly...
Darren - ...hired a prostitute (I'm still not sure why). At any rate, having no other use for her, I've been paying her to wash my...
Poisoned Pigeon - mouth out with soap for even considering stopping for her. I was only going to ask directions when suddenly...
Angus Prune - ...I was arrested for loitering. In the jail cell, I met a gentleman called Cyril, who offered to...
LotUS - ...provide me with a complete set of the Encyclopaedia Brittanica for only £10. Unfortunately, all I had on me at the time was...
Tina - my underwear, but it was clean, untorn and fairly new, so after he thought a while and scratched his...
Kim - lottery scratch card (which, miraculously (or, at the very least, fortuitously) gave him an instant win of £10,000) he, no long needing to sell me his set of encyclopaedias, very generously gave them to me for nothing. I opened a volume at random and was amazed when my eye lighted on the entry titled...
Darren - ...Chutney, Walnut and Grasshopper. Infuriated at its failure to mention me at any point, I threw the encyclopaedia across the cell, and it struck the guard on the side of the...
penelope - custody desk, knocking his tea over onto the charge sheet and thus obscuring the reason for my arrest - I was free to go! Well, after all that adventure, you can imagine I was ready for ...
Chalky - ... a meaningless sexual encounter. Not surprisingly, I failed to achieve that, so immediately turned my thoughts towards a potential money-spinning project which entailed matching B-List celebrities and their favourite soft furnishings for yet another reality TV show. Well, I'd got as far as Dale Winton coupling with a Tyrolean sheepskin rug, when .....
DrQu+xum - ... I found Graham Norton underneath the rug. Needless to say, the two were most pleased with the occurrence, but the producers ....
LotUS - ...felt that Mr. Norton's presence tarnished the wholesome image of their show. I was taken into...
Tina - a small room and served Scotch and peanut butter cookies. I least I think they were peanut butter cookies, but there was just a hint...
penelope - of something herbal about them. Anyway, after a stern talking to from the producers, I felt a bit squiffy and went home for a ...
Dazed5 - bout an hour, exhausted as I was. I decided to have a nap but as I went up the stairs...
Darren - ...they turned into a giant talking banana, so I chatted with him for a few minutes before losing consciousness completely. When I woke up, I discovered that I was, in fact, in...
Zooological Keeper - ...a banana plantation in Fiji, completely naked. Enquiring of a passing farmer, I discovered...
Poisoned Pigeon - I was near a slave labour camp where all the inmates were kept naked. Naturally, not wanting to appear out of the ordinary...
Darren - ...the farmer also removed his clothes. I personally found all this quite disgusting and resolved to write a letter about it to...
Tina - the agricultural department. I mean, after all, the person who processes you corn should...
LotUS - ...be full aware of the consequences and hazards when operating agriculural equipment
au naturale. However, when looking for a pen, I...
rab - s..s...stuttered, realising that the farmer had divested
ladies knickers, a kind of Freudian slip I supposed. Remembering I'd brought my 80-litre capacity handbag with me, I...
Darren - ...drank a few litres of the gin I keep in it for Dutch courage. I also dressed myself with the spare set of clothes I carry in my...
Poisoned Pigeon - ...fake breast implant. Things have been so much easier since the operation and...
Angus Prune - ... the little demons find them really comfortable. Realising I stole that part of the plot from an episode of 'Strange', I decided to get on with and legged it across the plantation, pursued by...
Zooological Keeper - ...three alarmingly large men and an enormous buffalo. Suddenly I skidded to a sudden stop, incredibly handy as I had just reached the edge of a cliff. There was nothing I could do but...
widey - jump, to what I thought would be my untimely death! As luck would have it 3 elfin like creatures had placed a large...
Software - ..time machine at the top of the ravine and as I jumped I found myself spinning dizzily through time only to emerge at a point where...
Tina - ...the cliff was still submerged in the ocean. Unfortunately, I cannot swim, so I immediately tried to grab onto the nearest...
snorgle - diplodocus, who wasn't having any of that! I thought I was surely doomed, and my life started to flash before my eyes. It made me wonder at the amount of Walnut and Grasshopper chutney in...
Tuj - ...existence throughout history, and whether if you drew a graph of it there would be some sort of trend I could exploit and make money from. Anyway, meanwhile the diplodocus...
LotUS - ...having now forgotten my existence, proceeded to emerge onto dry land. Disembarking, I found myself on a wild, verdant beach and so with nothing better to do, I set off hoping to find something useful to engineer my return. It was not long after that I stumbled across a laboratory rat of some kind; tied to its back was...
snorgle - a message rolled up in a test tube! Even stranger, it was to me! It said "Dear Mrs Trellis..
Lib - ... CONGRATUALTIONS!!! YOU HAVE WON SIXTY MILLION BILLION QUID!!!!!!
To claim your prize phone 0898 69 69 69, Calls charged at £9.99 per second and last for at least ten hours.. Well I wasn't silly enough to fall for that ploy so instead I......
snorgle - realised that the rat was clearly from the future so I ran after it quickly. Everything started to look odd..the sun seemed to move faster and it rapidly became cold and dark. Moonrise occurred even more swiftly and day followed on again, until all around me was a blur. I felt so dizzy that I fell and...
LotUS - ...crashed out of the temporal slipstream tunnel (for that is what my good friend Prof Hawking later said that it was) and hit my head against something stone. When I came to, I found that I was now in...
rab - ...July.
This of course is the month of little Samantha's birthday, and not knowing where I was I looked around for...
Software - ..a card shop, there was bound to be one somewhere, every high street is crammed with them from end to end. What a price birthday cards are, €732.99. I looked up at the clock in the shop and realized that I had fallen through the temporal warp and emerged in the future. It was 2005 and everything in the shop was marked in prices in a strange currency. I ...
snorgle - ...decided to look around and find out as much as possible to use when I went back to my own time so that I could make a fortune. I found a library down a dingy backstreet and...
Darren - ...was rather perturbed to meet a large uniformed man holding a machine gun. "Your papers!" he demanded, so I gave him a copy of the Daily Mail which I happened to have handy (so absorbent!), but it obviously didn't fool him because he...
Tuj - ..dropped dead. Puzzled, I glanced down at the paper, noticing that I had opened it to the page where...
Darren - ...leader of the Conservative Party poses topless. In this issue, I was surprised to see it was...
LotUS - ...none other than Tony Blair. The sudden realisation that not only was I in the future but in an
alternate future brought me out in a cold sweat. But then, it dawned on me that...
snorgle - ...it wasn't an alternative future at all, the Labour party had just changed their name to fit their image. Reading further, I saw that the Conservative party now seemed to be called Cassandra, now they were out of the closet, which seemed fair enough. Realising that I had all the information about the future that I needed in the handy Saturday magazine insert "History of wagers you wished you'd made if you'd only known the future for the last 2 years", or something like that. It also had Jade Goody nude, unfortunately which made me...
Software - ...throw up into a nearby container which just happened to be a passing bill-posters bucket. He was not at all amused and started to swear at me in words which I had never heard before. I decided to leg-it and ran into...
Inkspot - ...a telephone box which brought me back to the present day, outside Corrals the Bookmakers. As there was still plenty of time before I needeed to buy Samantha her present, I walked...
Raak - ...up and down the City Road, and in and out the Eagle, before...
Bigsmith - ...walking like an Egyptian for several minutes for my own amusement and that of a few puzzled passers by. I then had a sudden craving for a ham sandwich with lashings of chestnut and grasshopper chutney, so I...
penelope - popped home. August brought with it...
Chalky - ... a mountain of debt, which is why I've sent you this begging thinly-disguised-as-a-round-robin-seasonal-journal letter. It seems ages since I had a decent ...
Tuj - ...pair of trousers to call my own, and as a consequence my...
LotUS - ...legs have been somewhat battle-scarred in all these jaunts and scrapes I have inadvertently found myself in. Funds are also required to...
Software - ..bolster the Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch village hall roof repair fund. It is such a shame that such a lovely building, made out of antracite slag, should be in such disrepair. I hope that you will all dig deep into your pockets. The vicar says that he...
snorgle - ...has an injunction against me coming with 200 metres of him or the church, since the unfortunate Walnut and Grasshopper Chutney incident. I think that it was a complete over-reaction, myself, I mean all I did was...
Lib - ..., well I would tell you all, but the injunction prevents me. September, with the leaves falling from the trees and autumn starting, was.....
Chalky - ... the start of Autumn with the leaves falling from the trees and I found, to my horror, that not only was I short of cash, but also experiencing an alarming vocabulary deficiency. This shortage of vocabulary forced me to ...
Poisoned Pigeon - .....and then watsit. Alarmed at this strange state of affairs, I went to the doctor who told me to....
rab - ...diddly durbley dowacky winjar. Or at least that's what it sounded like to me. It was then that I remembered...
Chalky - ... the word 'stirrup'. Coupled with the word 'chutney' it made a pleasing sound, so armed with my new phrase I spent the following week inserting it into ...
Tuj - ...every sentence I stirrup chutney could. However, my stirrup chutney neighbours soon...
Tina - Filed a stirrup chutney law suit against me, claiming I was a thigummy, or whatsit, I don't remember. But anyway, I had to hire a stirrup chutney lawyer who
LotUS - ...would adequately stirrup chutney me. His primary defence stirrup chutney was...
Software - ..that I had "Unwin's Syndrome". A congenital defect since birth, which I had had all my life without knowing it in the fundermold. It was then that the prosecution also noticed that I was a convicted tautologist but my lawyer...
snorgle - was a certified taxidermist. The rest of the prosecution's case consisted of them screeching with laughter and shouting "Stuff her! Haahahahah!". I found this extremely annoying and the judge agreed, as he only sentenced me to..
blamelewis - ...death, with time off for lewd behaviour. I think he was losing the plot frankly, as all through the proceedings he...
Chalky - ... fiddled with his Knitting Nancy. Behaving in a lewd manner in order to escape death row was going to be a doddle, so I wandered off in search of ....
LotUS - ...a copy of
Who's Who. Having acquired this, I proceeded to...
snorgle - ...contact as many lords of the realm as possible, especially those with knitting listed as a hobby. I then had to...
Darren - ...dance around their houses, wearing only my woolly underwear. Most of them found this enjoyable, but one lord took exception to my large, twirling...
Chalky - ... chutney stirrup, saying it lacked lewdness. The ridiculous death sentence hung over me like the Sword of Damocles which, although stressful, gave me inspiration for my next ....
Software - ..venture which was to obtain false identification and passports and escape the country. It was at this point that I rued the day I had set foot in the time-machine telephone box which had brought me back to this era. Undaunted, I opened a copy of Exchange and Mart and under the heading "False Identities and Documentation" found a telephone number. I searched around furtively for a telephone....
Darren - ...engineer who could explain to me exactly how to use the silly thing! I've never got the hang of telephones: I usually manage to press the buttons without too much difficulty, but as soon as I lift the receiver, I forget to...
Tuj - ...you know what I mean. Unfortunately, in the process of dialling the number to help me, the telephone engineer bought false identification and fled the country. My next plan...
Zooological Keeper - ...also failed, which is why I am currently writing this epistle from inside Strangeways, where at this time of year there is thankfully plenty of...
Darren - ...writing paper. However, supplies of walnut and grasshopper chutney are drying up, especially since...
Tuj - ...I had no ink, and uncertain times call for desperate measures. As a fugitive from the law, I...
Rosie - live in the south of Spain among like-minded individuals. There, the sun shines constantly, making . . . .
Zooological Keeper - ...candlelit dinners somewhat pointless. This of course is why I never...
LotUS - ...actually moved to Spain, especially since I was still locked up in Strangeways, albeit dreaming of sunnier climes. My 'cellmate', a ...
blamelewis - ...mobile phone accessory of some description, was very handy for scraping away at the walls to build my escape tunnel. I had just persuaded the warden to give me a really really big picture of Humphrey Lyttleton to cover my nascent tunnel when...
Tuj - ...the warden was coshed from behind with a jar of grasshopper and walnut chutney by...
Darren - ...Chutney Cheryl, the wing's chutney baron. "Come on, Trellis," she growled, "we're breaking out." Obviously, I didn't break out with Cheryl, but she wasn't too disappointed, because...
Software - ..she wanted the secret of my grasshopper and walnut chutney. But I wasn't that much of a pushover, and I traded it for snout. Meanwhile...
Chalky - ... back in Aldershot, Mildred had a suspect package delivered which turned out to be ...
snorgle - ...me! My cunning plan had come to fruition! Also, I had put myself in a package disguised as a jar of Walnut & Grasshopper Chutney to be delivered "post-haste" (ha ha ha) to my erstwhile partner in crime. The first thing she said to me when she opened the package was...
Bigsmith - ..."you dozy twat - you never got little Samantha a birthday present last August!" I was so stunned by this outburst that I...
LotUS - ...immediately went to try and locate the perfect gift. However, I did have to avoid...
Zooological Keeper - ...the legions of police who were scouring the country for me, so I cunningly disguised myself...
Kim - as Berthold Brecht. Thus, slipping easily through the police cordon on the M3 at Frimley, I made my way to....
Rosie - junction 2 (the M25), where they were digging up the....
ZK - ...corpse of the real Berthold Brecht, whose coffin had been removed from Europe and interred in Britain years ago as part of a secret plot on the part of the...
LotUS - ...International Federation of Delicatessen Entomology (FIDE), who wished to obtain the secrets of his Hazelnut and Ladybird Chutney, and had stolen his coffin under the guise of chess grandmasters. Forced to swap my disguise of Brecht for that of...
Chalky - ... neat privet hedge, I successfully avoided detection and marched straight into the nearest toyshop to buy the new edition of 'Tabletop Twister' for Samantha, thus improving her chances of ...
Fridge - ...twisting herself in knots.I then proceeded to....
Software - ..the wrapping paper department where I selected a nice silver paper with reindeer and holly. Then I realized that her birthday is in the summer, but I was too late as the paper department had closed. "More than my job's worth, ducks." said the manager. Now what...
Tinsel eater - shall I do with this rock that looks like a peacock? I know,I will eat
Zooological Keeper - ....now and decide later. Currently I have far more important things to bother with than thinking whilst writing, namely....
Kim.... - ...opening this tin of stirrup chutney boot polish, with the contents of which I shall cleverly disguise myself as a Victorian chimney-sweep, avoid capture and seek gainful employment in Melbourne. That reminds me: did I ever tell you about the time that I grabbed David Hockney by the......
Software - ...Tate Gallery? No? Then I won't bother now, as I can see the number 55 coming. Thats typical, you wait for ages then...
fridge - ...it goes right past you. Oh well, i shall have to do my best and....
rab - ...whilst running after the bus try and remember what on earth I was going to tell you about December. That's right, the exploding...
LotUS - ...Uncle Bulgaria took me completely by surprise. There I was, just strolling through Wimbledon, when...
Tuj - ...
DOOSH! and the hedge I was near disappered into an equal ratio of flying debris and smoking crater. If it hadn't been for...
Inkspot - ...the the myriad of Christmas lights in the Cherry tree, I would have surely landed on their flasing Father Christmas. When I was back on the ground the householder introduced themselves as...
Software - ..Osbournes. Naturally, I turned heel and ran for my sanity. Crossing the common, I happened to notice..
Darren - ...Ozzy turn into a bat and chase me. I'd have been a goner if it wasn't for the quick arrival of...
ZK - ...Count Dracula, who immediately launched a lawsuit against him for stealing his idea. I never heard of the outcome; I supposed that they had settled out of court, but this was all inconsequential as I....
snorgle - ...tripped and fell headfirst into an open manhole, straight into the sewer! I almost passed out, but was saved by...
Software - ..Sadam Hussein on his way back to his bolt hole. "Hello," he said, "I am the president of Iraq, I am prepared to negotiate." I thought he looked a very nice man, although his beard was full of faeces and his breath smelt like a camel's. I stood on his shoulders and just able to reach a...
Tuj - ..ladder to the surface, I realised there were a cluster of American gentlemen above me, brandishing weapons. Realising that publicly humiliating the American military, though not difficult, would earn me instant worldwide fame, I naturally told them I was Saddam, to which they...
blamelewis - ...replied "we gotcha now' and hauled me up and into custody. They strapped a false beard on me and took ever so many photos, then flung me into a cell. It wasn't long before the door opened to reveal that nice Mr Bush holding several coats of mink, ermine and stoat fur. He forced me to wear them all in turn muttering something about a fur trial, then...
Tina - ...said he didn't care what punishment I got, provided that he could dance on my grave. He then abruptly excused himself, saying he had to return to Camp David and...
LotUS - ...study for his pretzel-eating exam. Forced to study once again prison interior designing, my thoughts turned to...
Software - ..Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen, as I thought that he too should be locked up. What he can't do with a few square metres of MDF is not worth considering. However, as I pondered changing rooms, i suddenly had...
snorgle - a brilliant idea for a new chutney recipe! All I would need would be vinegar, sugar, swedes and...
Bigsmith - ...Norwegians. Something in the cold air of Scandinavia...
Tuj - ...always inspires me to making chutney out of obscure ingredients, which is why the doctor recommends that I never repeat my visit. Meanwhile, back in the cell, I noticed that in one corner of the room was...
ZK - ...a small, grey, boggled-eyed creature wearing nothing but a ragged pillowcase. I asked it what it was - "Vladimir Putin, Mrs Trellis, come with a terrible warning", it said. I interrupted it to insist adamantly and boygeorgely that I was not Mrs Trellis, however no sooner had I done so than...
Software - ..the cell door flew back and the highly recognizable outline of the Grim Reaper stood, surrounded by the usual swirling smoke effect. He took one pace forward and reached out with his grizzly hand and...
Ibid - ...declared "Mrs Trellis, you're Game for a Laugh!". Clearly, I had no choice but to...
Tuj - ...kick him in his bony groin and leg it down the hole he'd come through. Unfortunately, though, it led to...
Tina - ...a warren of rabbits, who appeared to be having a tea party (or maybe it was a sex orgy),in any case, they were quite agitated by my arrival until I told them...
plump - ....that I was their God of food in human form the awesome Dock Leaf, I asked them the way up to the surface to which they replied as one "What's up Dock?", I could see I was getting nowhere fast which is odd because.....
LotUS - ...I hadn't thought that rabbits had a written language let alone the wherewithal to name their tunnels. As I found myself having been led down the 'Nowhere' tunnel, I was unable to...
Tuj - ...return to the surface without answering some sort of riddle. I was led to...
snorgle - ...a doorway in front of which was a giant, slavering rabbit with bloodshot eyes. It seemed to be sleeping, but as I approached it's eyes shot open and stared at me! Then it said...
Tina - ..."Pardon me. Do you have vodka? I need the hare of the dog, I do." I found what he said rather amusing, but was only just containing my chuckles when...
Software - ..a rather nasty dog with a bottle of vodka strapped to it's back appeared through a door opened by a hare appeared. It was growling and frothing at the mouth so I ....
Good News - ...fed it the hare and the giant, slavering rabbit, which solved that problem. Going through the doorway past the now rather sleepy dog I found myself...
plump - ...tickling its testicles with the turnups of my trousers a favour that it returned with interest forcing me kick the rather nasty Pekinese out of the door I had entered through and slam it smartly behind me, turning round I noticed....
Good News - ...that I was back in my prison cell. What kind of mad, twisted world was this? I turned at once and headed back down the tunnel I had dug earlier, before the guards woke up and saw me in my panicked state. This time I took the mobile phone accessory with me, and began to dig a different path halfway down my original tunnel, finally scraping away the last pieces of earth between me and freedom, to discover that...
Chalky - .. there were only 3 days 'til Christmas and I still hadn't ...
Rosie - ordered the turkey. Well, it's a stroppy bastard and frightens the cat so I hit it with a club hammer, which sorted it, but it was that kind of thing that got me put away in the first place, so maybe my newly-acquired freedom is not . . .
Bigsmith - ...in the best interest of turkeys. This reminded me of that terrible incident that occured one frosty Christmas Eve many years ago, when I...
Software - ..locked the vicar in the ladies loo and then posted the key to Father Christmas C/O The North Pole. It was only meant to be a joke, but when we turned up to the church for midnight masss, nobody realized he was missing because the verger go stuck in the pulpit. Everybody heaved and pulled but he would not budge. Eventually, we decided to leave him there reasoning that a few days starvation would solve the problem. We all retired to the Dog and Platypus where the landlord had a lock-in and started on the....
Raak - 80% Romanian plum brandy that we had been saving for just such an occasion. We soon forgot our troubles
Valentin - ...as we found that the pork scratchings seemed to have been dipped in some form of hallucinogenic drug. The original cast of 'Grease' then turned up and turned on the jukebox, which began blaring out...
Poisoned Pigeon - I am the very model of a modern major general. Naturally I was surprised, after all it's not that often that Gilbert an Sullivan gets performed by the cast of 'Grease'! They started us on the slippery slope so..........
ZK - ....before long we were 'holding ourselves like this and that' until the landlord's wife came home and rang the police. They came in stealing upon us with catlike tread, either that or we were too off our faces to notice them. Either way, I soon found myself back inside, but luckily this time...
widey - I had a cell all to myself, which meant I could sit and play with my......
Tina - ...Palm Pilot. In checking my calendar I discovered to my horror that I'd missed the annual office Christmas party. But maybe it was for the best. It usually winds up being...
ZARBENIA - a large wicked beast that on closer inspection is found to be impartialy formed in such a way that each side is both the same only seperatly different together apart from each other so that......
Poisoned Pigeon - .....it is impossible to tell whether it is coming or going. Such was the shock at the appearance of the beast that I barely had time to get out my cardboard cutout of Buffy the Vampire Slayer when....
Bigsmith - ...Dr Who's Tardis materialised in one corner of the cell. Out stepped the Director General of the BBC, dressed as the White Guardian (long cloak and silly hat)and he said "Mrs Trellis, you have been chosen to...
snorgle - ...be the new Doctor!" Well, I was flabbergasted, I can tell you! Me and Mr Trellis (may he rest in peace) met at a Dr Who convention, you know, and it has always been a dream of mine to...
LotUS - ...say that I too have reversed the polarity of the neutron flow. Well, wasting no time, I leapt into the TARDIS and...
Valentin - ... landed on K9, who promptly began chewing my fingers off. Having at last found his 'off' switch, I turned around to find that the robot dog seemed to have mated with a Cyberman (or possibly Cyberwoman) to produce...
Angus Prune - ...Anne Robinson. Screaming in terror, I took us back to the Triassic period and fed her to a passing dinosaur. While I was there I saw...
widey - a talking onion called Dave, who I'd met once before during an.....
LotUS - ...extended stay in the University of North Wales Medical School's asylum wing. Recognising it now as the insidious guise of a renegade Time Lord, I immediately...
Poisoned Pigeon - switched K9 back on again and told him to attack. This he promptly did by eating Dave the onion giving him enormous wind problems and...
Darren - ...very watery eyes. Startled, I fell backwards out of the TARDIS and into...
widey - the arms of a very tall and well developed, green....
Poisoned Pigeon - ....Tomatoe. Being a green tomatoe, it wasn't ripe yet and hadn't softened. This caused the poor tomatoe to be...
Valentin - misspelt. While I could have used the TARDIS to ripen it by taking it forward in time, I had more pressing business to attend to, particularly the large and malodorous...
Tina - ...mushroom I had been carrying since this all began. I had kept it hidden through my adventures by stuffing it in my left armpit. However, now it was clear that...
Chalky - ... my ramblings have over-extended themselves and this letter should have been posted in time for Christmas. With that in mind, I will sign off with my very sincere hopes for your peace and prosperity in 2004, as well as a shiny new theme [as agreed at the beginning] for this game ......
Lovely smiley lady - Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin. Once upon a time, in the land of...
Thrax - somewhere or other. I forget the precise details but am certain there was a connection with expensive jewellery. It was difficult to ascertain, because all about was dark, and someone in a seat in front of me kept coughing, much to the chagrin of the other patrons, and a woman selling ice creams. I'd been in this place a few weeks earlier, and all those assembled were staring goggle-eyed at naked people making jam. A little before that, I recall seeing men in sunglasses punching each other in slow motion, and on another occasion, a swarthy looking fellow tried to steal an ocean-going vessel from an immortal pirate captain with skeletal features. The whole thing was most unnerving, and I fear for the safety of our children. Who are these bizarre people that visit us from far off lands; I've written to the home secretary insisting he hurry up with those ID cards. I've requested they send me one of Keanu Reeves, as I consider his courage in the face of his medical condition most hartwarming, and I'm so glad he's able to speak again and manouvre his wheelchair under his own steam. Nevertheless, I am perturbed by this 'Narnia'-like experience that I frequently encounter in my former Bingo Hall, where popcorn and chewy cola bottles are the staple diet of those poor unfortunates who would otherwise starve. My proposal, if anyone is of a mind to implement it, is this...
widey - free tuna and pickle muffins (a northen muffin, not to be confused with the USA's interpritation of the word muffin)at the local co-op and.......
ZARBENIA - a severe beating about the head and shoulders with my walking stick which will surely result in....
widey - a long boring visit to our
A&E department and while you are there you can......
LotUS - ...see that the canteen is well-stocked as well. The recipe for these came from...
Thrax - Keith Floyd, that famous rock guitarist who made those wonderful videos of marching hammers and singing frogs. Before he came along I never knew that West Ham fans were so disciplined, and I
certainly never expected the French to be able to sing. However...
Tina - ...here's the recipe for the muffins. Start with one medium-sized tuna, preferably dead. If not dead, see a vintage copy of Joy of Cooking for how to dispatch tuna. Anyway, halve the tuna and put the front half in a blender with some hot water and mix on high until...
Inkspot - ...you have a smelly congealed mush. Boil the kettle and take a well earned rest with a cup of tea and two biscuits of you choice. Refreshed...
LotUS - ...you can take out your hunting gear and go out into the garden. Trying to capture an elusive pickle is...
ZK - ...one of the few remaining decent sports in this country of ours, and all the more satisfying for the high levels of skill it requires. The first step of course is to hide behind a bush and make a noise like...
Thrax - ...a lettuce in distress. Elusive or nay, the pickle will undoubtedly become curious, and drop his or her guard, and that, dear reader, is when you must strike, and strike true. Now, most importantly...
Software - ...you will need a sharp cleaver or axe. I prefer to use an Acme Xtrasharp #43, honed like a razor and as light as a feather. Incidentally, they also make a superb nailfile, which is excellent for picking locks. Hold the axe in balance and take a....
Tina - ...swig of Vodka, for resolve of course, and being careful not to drop the bottle, make your backswing and then with a ...
Inkspot - ...long sweeping arc bring the axe down to within an inch of the pickle. The sudden sight a sleek sharpend blade will...
Tina - ...the wild pickle to blanch and then jump headlong into your creel or other ready container. Mind you, you must act swiftly while the pickle is still stunned by fright. Then take the pickle inside. Halve it, chop, and add to the tuna mixture. Be careful not to ...
momus - focus too much on some random chuntey experience whilst withdrawing from Crack Cocaine and muse about the nets that strangle dolphins and your ex lovers. Embrace Christ and her...
Software - seven dwarves, Dave, Dee, Dozey, Beaky, Mick and Titch. My, there appears to be one missing. I wonder where I left him (or her, to be politically correct)? Ah, yes! I remember, it was....
snorgle - ...in the summer of '69...
Bigsmith - ...me and some guys from school had a band and we tried real hard. Jimmy quit and Jody got married, I should have known we'd never get far. But when I look back now that summer seemed to last forever, and if I had the choice I'd always want to be there. Those were the best days of...
widey - my life.......sigh.....would be fantastic if it wasn't for the (be kind!!!)...
Tina - ...simple fact that band members always get married, or fall in love, or, in any case, care about something else other than the band. But in '69 we were all recovering from the Chicago convention and many other life altering events. We had no hope that year and so when we thought about entertaining and recipes and such, we almost automatically turned to ...
Software - ..Mrs Beatons most excellent, if now somewhat arcane, cookery books. It is not well known but Mrs Beaton was actually my Grandmother's, friends, cousins nextdoor neighbour. They used to have such a laugh chatting over the fence. She once told us the story of how she first caught the pheasant that she used in her classic recipe
Pheasant stuffed with chestnut and aubergine chutney . It was amazing to hear her laugh, it sounded like...
snorgle - ...a cat being throttled by a man whose wife was busy hacking him to death. It still gives me nightmares! In fact, just last night I dreamt that I...
momus - ...that somebody loved me.....
ZK - ..was throttling a cat whilst being hacked to death by my wife. This was a harrowing experience, particularly when re-lived in the cold light of day - this was when I realised that...
ZK - *sighs* Ignore me! [rab] the website now seems to add your entries automatically when you "haven't seen the latest moves", when it used to give you the chance to change them! is there anything i can do about that?
momus -
apologises for submitting before previewing..my iPod had turned into a obscure branch of Toy'sRUs. I drowned to the sound of....
ZK - (following momus)....and that that someone was, in fact...
momus - *sympathetic sighs*
ZK - (it's done it again!)....music. I have always hated this musical, mainly because...
snorgle - ...hate nuns, penguins, and maitre'ds. I don't know why, perhaps it's because...
widey - of their silly habbits (groan), silly walk, silly (phoney) French accents or has it something to do with...
Software - ..American films, where they are always portrayed as either superior beings or fawning snobs. Now where was I? Oh, yes, my dream. At least I
think it was a dream, but I was floating gently just above a...
Biffo - ...a pool of green slime, populated by tiny creatures with the faces of.....
Darren - ...panellists on
I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue, who were chattering incessantly. I listened carefully, but the only words I was able to discern were...
widey - ..." I heard that, pardon?" The catch phrases from a once popular 70's sitcom that is alas no more. Which made me wonder if...
comus - ..trains had hands would they stroke them through their hair...
ZK - ..., a question so intriguing I decided to make it the basis of my new arthouse film, "'Do! The Locomotion Story", which was recently nominated for a palm d'or and three...
Tina - ...Artsy-Fartsy awards: Best movie no one understands; Best movie for a general bi-polar audience; and ...
Software - ..filmstar shedding tears and saying "darling" every other word during acceptance speech. It is not well known, but I once appeared in a film. I was one of the extras in "Far from the Madding Crowd" you could just see me as the camera panned past the...
Tina - ...bosom of Julie Christie. I had a call back as well to play a camel in Lawrence of Arabia, but...
comus - ....took the hump at being offered such a derisory offer. Instead you decide to direct a re-make of that Charles Laughton classic....
Software - ..the Hunchback of Notre Dame, naturally, with my looks I was chosen for the lead role. I can remember the look on the make-up artists face when she came into my dressing room. Then she doubled up with laughter and ran hysterically out into the set falling flat on her face among the gargoyles and bells. The producer took exception to that incident and replaced me with Jimmy Krankie, but he did offer me the part of the rat in the sewer. Moving on..
widey - I waited at the bus stop for hours in the pouring rain. I was just about to start the long walk home when...........
LotUS - ...a sleek, black limousine pulled up. The window slid down noislessly and the face within was that of...
Uncle Korky - ...the Turin Shroud, which gave me a turn, I can tell you! I was about to...
Software - ..move on when I realized that in fact the face was that of David Blunkett. That gave me even more of a turn and I was about to leg it when a door opened and....
Tuj - ...a long, hairy arm was extended. As I watched in horror, it grabbed my...
widey - bag of plums. I wouldn't have cared much but for the fact that...
LotUS - ...the bag also contained a pound of Semtex. I was planning to use it for...
Software - ..re-designing my rockery back at home. Have you ever considered gardening as a hobby? It is a really...
plump - ..good way of annoying the neighbours in the flat downstairs. Next to the water feature I have just planted...
Tuj - ...some Semtex, as a test before doing the rockery. I've also...
LotUS - ...constructed a machine gun emplacement beneath the boughs of my damson tree. It's a highly useful feature to have since...
widey - ..the aliens keep treading on my Sweet williams and making a total mess of my....
Software - ..simulation of the World War I trenches from Flanders. I like poppies, don't you? The look so lively and bright with their pretty red faces bobbing above the..
snorgle - ...horrifically mangled corpses of young men. Fine, strong young men, called to do their duty. Fine gardeners all! But no good as bomb disposal experts. Oh well! That reminds me, one of them was called Jimmy and his last words to me were...
Tuj - ...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH...
Tina - ...which is odd since those were also his first words to me. I knew him in school you see and he was always complaining, especially about...
Software - ..Miss Farquar-Harrington, the geography teacher, she always used to lean over our shoulders to explain something but we could never hear a thing as her ample bosom used to muffle our ears. She also used to have terrible BO which she tried to disguise with cheap perfume from Woolworth which used to smell of aniseed. I think it was called...
widey - ...Shmoo or somthing like that! The other thing about Miss Farquar-Harrington that springs to mind was her amazing quiff of black greasy hair. It was thought that she got the idea for it from....
Biffo - a magazine article about cooking the Vegan way, which was...
snorgle - ...written by a meat eater with a twisted sense of humour. The recipe for
Tofu with chick peas and black bean sauce, for example, included lamb's eyes, pig's trotters and...
Tuj - ...moss, which, although when I tried the recipe out myself starting singeing during the third day of cooking, still...
ZK - ...refused to ignite properly. That was when I knew there was something fishy about the recipe (besides the shark steak and cans of tuna) as I never previously had a problem with incendiary cooking, whether purposely or no. I earned the Pulitzer Prize for my letter of complaint to that magazine, which of course...
widey - .... was read by many respected, and well to do people at that time. But things have changed now and I find myself wondering, if only...
Biffo - I had bought a copy of the Dandy, then I would have known...
Software - That Dennis the Menace had already thought of that scam. Ah, well! Returning for a moment to Mr Llewelyn, the local bookie. I sems like only yesterday that I found that £50 note outside the Labour Exchange and nipped in to the betting shop and placed £25 each way on
Foinavon in the Grand National. How we celebrated that night (all except Mr Llewelyn, that is), down at the Aligator and Ferret. Why, that was when I first discovered that....
snorgle - ...I was the long lost heir to the Russian throne. I knocked back the vodka after that, I can tell you! I decided then and there, that I must...
Brendan - ... conduct myself in a manner befitting my regal status; unfortunately, shortly after making everyone in the pub kneel before me, I passed out. The next morning ...
ZK - ...it was all over the tabloids that I had the makings of a fine Russian leader in me. Unfortunately, it was also all over the broadsheets that some Bolshevik Fundamentalists wished to claim my life in the name of eternal communism, so then and there I had to...
Tina - ...take up dancing. I'd had ballet lessons as a youngster so I thought, the Bolshevik's could use a good dancer in the Bolshoi. Heck, even the names are similar. So I wrote away for a tutu. Imagine my surprise when the postman arrived one day, accompanied by...
Tuj - ...Elvis Costello...
snorgle - ...and Hank Marvin. What was even more of a surprise was that...
Tuj - ...Elvis Costello...
LotUS - ...was wearing...
Tuj - ...nothing but Elvis Costello...
snorgle - ..-flavoured pants. This disturbing state of affairs led directly (in my and my psychiatrist Dr Syncope's opinion) to the terrible events that followed. Even now, I still get terrible flashbacks, and even worse, I still can't wash the taste from my mouth, no matter how many pints of Creme de Menthe I drink! Though I shudder to say it...
Software - ...Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, I was immediately taken by the changes there. The old bank is now a yuppy wine bar and full of insufferable dinkies slurping back glasses of Rhondda chardonnay and talking about their Christmas bonuses. Now, in the old days, the bank was only full of farmers depositing their EU grant cheques and talking about the price of sheep. Those were the best times, but now, you see, things have moved on and even...
Inkspot - ....Evans the Underataker has high street shop that blares out pop music, as I found out when I went in...
ZK - ...to deposit my grandfather. Despite the protestations of the bored 16-year-old behind the counter, and of dear old Pappy himself in fact, I handed over my Next Day Embalming coupon, and...
snorgle - ...raced out to spend my inheritance post-haste. In a moment of madness I put it all on Lucky Boy in the 2:30 in Utoxeter, which unfortunately...
widey - due to dodgy cross breeding and a poor blood line had the misfortune of running around in ever decreasing circles, for most of the time. But as luck would have it...
ZK - ...I thought I recognised the winning horse, and as it turned out, I was the tall and attractive german stable-lad who had raised it all those years ago. Pulling up my shorts, I strode over to the jockey, who it turned out also recognised me from our schooldays. We've been married for three years now, and last month we celebrated the birth of our first...
Software - ...foal, bred from our two thoroughbreds, Far Canal and Hoof Hearted. We are still trying to think of a suitable ame to register with the Jockey Club. Have you any suggestions? We did think of calling him...
widey - ...Jeff after my aunt, but she didn't think it was a suitable name for such a....
Pleb - ....strange looking animal, and with six legs and a long purple neck. The first time it went for a walk it caused quite a stir down at the....
widey - ...local pub where it would stand at the bar for hours at a time, drinking bitter, and telling stories about the time when...
Tuj - ...it had been working the night shift at a local shop and had received...
Software - ..an interesting proposition from Julian Clary. Meanwhile, the stable boy had just come into the bar and was giving "dead cert" tips to anyone who would buy him a drink. Apparently, up on the gallops, the word was that Jeff....
momus - ...rey Bernard had murdered his daughters Black girlfriend. All hell ensued as the bloody fingerprints were erased by...
plump - .....a judicious use of 3 tons of concrete, but what they seemed to forget was...
Bob the dog - the cameras hidden by the Beadle's About crew were still rolling. Sadly, after the swearing was edited out there was only about three seconds of broadcastable material and Beadle ended up
Bob the dog - miming to the soundtrack of 'Tommy' just to keep the audience entertained! Well that’s about all for now, I've got a bus to catch. Apparently there is some sort of "pilgrimage" I am rather keen to attend. I understand we are going to be playing rugby at
Mornington Crescent. Or have I got that wrong?
Lots of love
Trellis (Mrs)
Audience -
*shouts, screams, generally goes wild for Bob the dog*
This is the end of the line. There is no more.