I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...

And so it begins...

  • Tuj - I live on Cruithne.
  • Tuj - "Smothinism" is the study of obscure facts about beetles, particularly those concerned with The Beatles as well. The word derives from the Greek smotos, meaning "bee", and the Latin hinere, "to tell".
  • Tuj - There is no such thing as aircraft turbulence. This phenomenon in fact only affects London buses, but as this seems so unlikely to those with roughly average IQ or less, special damper/converters are used to channel it to aircraft, where it is now expected.
  • Tuj - The number 3753 is the most uninteresting integer known to man, followed by 162 and 16777217.
  • Tuj - For women, the top three are (in order) 162, 3753 and 781306.
  • Tuj - When writing a CV, be sure to include some very basic spelling mistakes. This reassures any prospective employers that you are human after all, and they'll be sure to hire you.
  • Tuj - In the beginning was the Word. And the word was... plumbers.
  • Tuj - Trenchcoat is a disease of the ear caused by keeping too many fish in your freezer. It can only be cured by a visit to Dorking.
  • Tuj - Toilet humour is the new black.
  • Tuj - In Tanzania, elections are conducted based upon the prospective President's capacity for shouting "MOOSE!" at louder and louder decibels. Controversy ensued after the last election after allegations of cunning ventriloquism.
  • Tuj - The British Isles were created when the Flashcard upon which the Word (plumbers) was Written fell to Earth. This happened diametrically opposite to the present location of our fair isles, and was not only responsible for their location, but also the invention of cheese (long story).
  • Tuj - What I tell thee thrice is true. What I tell thee thrice is true. What I tell thee thrice is true: With underfloor heating units powered by lunar energy.
  • Tuj - The preceding post (minus the pseudonym "Tuj" is taken from the lyrics of a long-lost Status Quo song, their only number one hit in Poland. It was called "Muriel".
  • Tuj - And that should not have read:

    The preceding post (minus the pseudonym "Tuj") is taken from the lyrics of a long-lost Status Quo song, their only number one hit in Poland. It was called "Muriel".

  • Tuj - At present, all buildings are inclined at twenty degrees to the theoretical "axis" of Earth which would pass through their reception desk. However, as covered at www.receptiondeskconspiracies.com, this is believed to be about to change, resulting in worldwide assassinations.
  • Tuj - "Nodosità" is German for schadenfreude.
  • Tuj - There are no such things as kneecaps! This common misconception is based upon the lumps people feel on their "knees".
  • Dunx - I've read all of those.
  • Tuj - The element "Argon" was based on the dying words of its discoverererer, a Greek by the name of Etenicles. Having angered the local king with his talk of his "fascinating" discovery, the King had him beheaded, causing him to cry "Arg".
  • Tuj - Dunx] I am so pleased that you posted just when I was only 10 short of filling the whole page with my own lies. Overjoyed. Honestly.
  • Dujon - Pleasure gained from the use of the Internet is directly proportional to the screen resolution used during such pursuit.
  • Dujon - Contrary to the view expounded by the 'big four' beer barons alcohol consumption does not make the world go round . . . . . and round . . . . . and round ...
  • widey - It has to be said that spoons are a really useful bit of kit........Edward Joshua Peasled Spooner I salute your best invention yet....And they come in plastic now! How wonderful,,,,
  • Dunx - [Tuj] I thought you had finished.
  • Quinnerer - Mary Poppins did not refer to a spoonful of sugar as first thought. She was in fact considering the primitive form of angel dust/pcps. Notice how it makes the 'medicine go down' a mellow ride. It wasn't aimed at crack cocaine, since the first reaction of that obviously is an incredible high. They would have had to revise the song, 'a spoonfull of powder, helps the medicine shoot up.' And there would have been the further need of additional songs, like.. We have a boe for the dog.. giver her to me. That would have been a better song than feed the birds, tuppence a bag. I have never met any pros lately going for tuppence, and my old man says, there werent any slappers for tuppance back in his days either
  • Krungthep - In thailand, there are 3 million tax payers. There are 1.5 million hookers. The sex industry pays a further 4 million people in indirects.. totally earning 20 billion USD a year.. If slappers here were tuppance a go, and you could harnasse the energy expended, you could replace oil as the worlds energy resource. If you could store it, there would be electricity for all. Please send a letter to Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra to back up this suggestion.
  • Mahidol - Thailand has no welfare state.. so, the government don't tax the hookers, and let the money go straight through the love tunnel from buyer to source. Parts of northern Thailand now resemble Switzerland and Germany.. and that applies to the population as well.
  • Bob the dog - I have descovered that car windows can be easily demisted with a jam sandwich.
  • Projoy - Car windows are made of compressed pepper.
  • widey - My car has no windows.........or doors or an engine, it is infact a Fredrick Murgotroyd perambulatory device (aka) a skate board...........FMP, its the only way to travel (apart from all the other ways of course!)
  • widey - I have deduced by painful self experimentation that pepper spary does not make a good substitute for aftershave lotion, it does however, taste great with pizza and chips!
  • widey - spary is the dyslexic form of spray...........I rest my cesa
  • Robin - I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK.
  • Goatie - People are rich when they've got lots of money. People are poor, when they've spent it... on donations to the conservative party.
  • ZK - I like to wear odd socks. Today's are embroidered with a jaunty "Up With Bush" slogan.
  • mumsy - If you can hold your breath for six minutes, you will have beaten that old habit.
  • nights - cheese has finally been proven by leading scienfitic research groups as the major source of familial upsets over the festive period. This Christmas, all UK supermarkets, including *a certain well-known UK supermarket chain*, have agreed to ban its sale to anyone looking moderately cheerful, as it will almost certainly spoil what might have otherwise been an excellent Noel.
  • Wild Bill - Am I wrong, is not Condoleeza Rice the sexiest woman alive?
  • Not really Spam, oh no. - Italian Rolex at throw away prices. Impress with your new Rolex. Gift someone you love with a Rolex
  • Natwest.net - Dear Client of the National Westminister Bank,
    Whilst we update our systems, we earnestly urge you to provide your data by clicking on the link below otherwise your access will be blocked and all your account can be frozen.
    http://www.natwest.net/theftofyourmoney/mugs.stm
    We thank you for your cooperation.
  • nights - First Great Western trains have the interests of the customer at heart. (yes, I've been travelling again, and no, it wasn't a good experience.)
  • Sir Henry -
    Sir,
    This eez a genuine letter from the former head of the Treasury of the East African state of Umbongoland. Terrible tradgey has hit our mighty country as we are now being ruled by a cruel dictator –. Before this evil man took power from our glorious Presidente I managed to divert $12m from our vaults for the use of our freedom fighters. Not is it possible for me to pay to my bank account of my own, so it is with gratitude I am asking for access to your credit card so we may liberate the money. In return of this gratious deed I agree for you to keep 10%. Please send detrail to: Wewill Conju at my temporary offices – Expresso Comfort Inns, PO Box 123, Nigeria.
  • widey - 8mm plywood makes a yummy alternative to cardboard as a sandwich filling in emergency culinary situations....Jamie Oliver makes a good alternative "Twat" when the guest chef you booked to cook your dinner party fails to turn up!
  • Dujon - I have just returned from seeing my local doctor about a small problem which has been bothering me for years. When I left he was still on the floor laughing.
  • Dujon - I understand my wife.
  • Dujon - Skip bins are wonderful things, especially when you have about 10 tonnes of 'stuff' to move and they drop it at the top of your 1:4 driveway. This is also a great way to keep fit and in no way manner or form will threaten your wellbeing.
  • Raynard - It is a great day to be a fox, is it not?
  • Sir Henry - This is a message from the Central Line information centre - London Underground is happy to announce that a good service is being operated across all lines this morning. Click.
  • Pelgis - Have you any gadgets in your sock drawer missus?
  • widey - Why are people suprised that we are having frosts and "cold spells" at this time of year...........This is Manchester not Manila!!!!! Its supposed to be cold at this time of year. I blame it on the namby pamby winters of the last 10 years making people soft. I'm glad that the government have finally realised that winters should be cold, its nice to see them getting something right for once....................................
  • Dujon - Because some twit in the Bureau of Meteorology pressed the wrong conversion button it snowed in Sydney yesterday, even though the temperature was 31°C.
  • Knobbly - Travel on public transport is proven to be an effective cure and/or preventative against headaches
  • Projoy - The way to tell the difference between stalagmites and stalctites: stalagmites are all Scorpios, whereas stalactites are all Jewish.
  • Tannoy - *bing bong* "First Avon and Somerset are pleased to inform all bus passengers within the Bath city area that all drivers will now be pleased to accept bus passes in any condition, no matter how battered or dogeared. That is all." (click)
  • Sir Henry - Thank you for calling . . . your call is important to us, you are held in a queue and will be answered shortly . . . [girl from ipanema 20 second loop] . . .Thank you for calling . . . your call is important to us, you are held in a queue and will be answered shortly . . . [girl from ipanema 20 second loop]...Thank you for calling . . . your call is important to us, you are held in a queue and will be answered shortly . . . [girl from ipanema 20 second loop]........ click, "Hello, customer ser...click ooooooooooooooo
  • nights - My presentation tomorrow will go just swimmingly. [/lie] Sir H, have you been on the phone to O2? [lie]
  • Sir Henry - If I leave for that meeting at 05:30 - I'll miss the queues on the M25 [Nights] Yes!
  • Kim - The Nile is not a river in Egypt.
  • nights - My presentation this morning went terribly. ^_^ [/lie] [Sir H] lucky guess, being a customer myself. [lie]
  • Robin - The Nile is a device used in Birmingham to secure two pieces of wood together.
  • Sir Henry - ........ just a little thing but . . .
  • Tuj - I live in a tree
    I live in a tree
    I live in a tree
    And nobody loves me!
  • Dujon - [Tuj] I've sent you a tear drenched tissue via e-mail. I do hope that it doesn't clog up the system.
  • Dujon - Having only ever owned manually driven vehicles and wishing to keep up with current technology I decided the other day to try an automatic. They aren't.
  • nights - Every seventh summer, all colours of the spectrum rotate one to the left (red becoming orange, orange becoming yellow, etc.). Adapt your wardrobe accordingly - preferably light cottons and knits. bonus points for spotting the quote - I'd love it if someone got it.
  • widey - I never get anything......No I tell a lie I once got measles...........
  • widey - and I'm dyslexic
  • Tuj - [Dujon] Message received, message decoded and acted upon. And I've donated a sample of your DNA to the authorities...
  • nights - [penelope] The clinic phoned - they want to see you as well.
  • Sir Henry - Any lifetime guarantee.
  • Widey - Its sad but true, Frosties are not made from frost!!!
  • Tuj - Erm... I think you'll find they are.
  • nights - now now, let's have no arguments. each time you argue with someone, God kills a kitten.
  • Projoy - A herd of wildebeest just swept across my bedroom on their way to the bathroom. When the weather changes they will stampede back to the lounge, forcing me to stop watching the TV and go and have a bath.
  • Projoy - Damn, now the flamingoes have migrated into my wardrobe for the winter.
  • Sir Henry - No they haven't - aha another fluffy animal gone!
    News in - Microsoft have just released Windows [95/98/me/2000/xp - delete as appropriate] which is a much more stable platform than the previous operating system.
  • nights - compatibility problems? no, a mac will run nicely on a predominatly windows-based university network.
  • Projoy - Any line extended infinitely in both directions will be hard to get into your car without opening the hatchback.
  • ImNotJohn - Hatchbacks are so called because that's where new cars are born from.
  • penelope - Pass me a boiled sweet and add me to the list for Diabetes.
  • Dujon - All telephone calls originating from mobile 'phones within the underground system are automatically directed to the Head of Steam.
  • nights - (fades in)GWR FM weather: the southwest will experience an unseasonably warm spell, with temperatures reaching 25 degrees. sunny spells will continue through the day, and there will be a light yet refreshing breeze. Traffic news now, and the M4... (fades out)
  • Chalky - If you're unlucky enough to have to follow a staple diet, avoid strong magnets.
  • Dunx - Chocolate chips are best enjoyed with salt, vinegar, and a rich Hollandaise sauce.
  • Dunx - Ratatouille has been banned in six cities in the western United States because rats are anything but twee.
  • Dunx - Achilles could have been saved after the ultimately fatal blow to his heel, excpet that Paris would give him his plaster.
  • Dunx - I've been listening to the new radio station Philosophy FM, whose motto is "All Aristotle, all the time". Obviously it is targetting the ancients. There is a sister station, Psycho Babble AM, which is targetting the Jung crowd.
  • Dunx - I love testing.
  • penelope - The rich seam of comedic potential just struck by Dunx's latest lies did nothing to tickle my funny bone.
  • Bob the dog - Historians and thespians alike were dismayed to discover that Shakespeare’s first theatre was a globe artichoke.
  • Tuj - The middle name of the current President of the United States is Warehouse.
  • Kim - [Tuj: I think you're confusing him with Nixon.]
  • Sir Henry - Hurricane - I don't think so Mrs - leave the weather forecasting to us experts!
  • widey - I'd just like to say that it wasn't me!!!!!!!!
  • Projoy - Blocked drains can be cleared simply by playing them a recording of You'll Never Walk Alone played by a professional banjo orchestra
  • Projoy - The St Winifred's School Choir are not allowed within forty feet of inflammable materials by order of a Barnsbury court.
  • Projoy - If you close your eyes and swallow a plectrum in St Paul's Cathedral you will receive a night-visitation from Jimi Hendrix within the next forty minutes.
  • Tina - I was so glad to read that the dollar is shrinking. I thought it was just that I'd forgotten to take them out of the pocket of my jeans before washing.
  • Dujon - I just spent a couple of minutes simply standing outside the door of my workshop. The sky was blue with a few fluffy white clouds floating around. The birds, whilst jumping around in the trees, were relatively quiet and the traffic noise was almost non-existent. A zephyr was playing touch with the leaves of the trees and the temperature about 24°C. In the distance I could hear the sound of someone mowing their lawn. I hate this time of year.
  • Bif - McDonalds have been forced to drop McLapin aux Headlights from their menu in the United States owing to the recent outbreak of "Peeved Weasle" disease. It was at first thought that the domestic groundhog could be substituted, but Burger King sued as groundhog is apparently the secret ingredient in the Burger King Croissandhog™. Rather than get into a protracted fight over the rights to free-range rodents, McDonalds Corp. decided to concentrate on their new range of healthy pan-fried iguana dishes.
  • Tuj - I maintain at all times a calm, confident, cheerful state of mind.
  • nights - the reason I moved to Bath from the West Midlands is highly secret and not to be divulged under any circumstances (tax reasons). bother.
  • Snagandorf - All pocket lint in all pockets world wide is one multifasceted yet single concioused superentity.
  • Dunx - "Ferrule" can spelt in fourteen different ways, many of them utilising just the first six letters of the Cyrillic alphabet.
  • Snagandorf - The first crayons will not be produced for another seventy four years, they will by the first invention after the time machine and subsequently the firts trial.
  • nights - russian is basically the same language as english. the main differences are 1) it is spoken more angrily, 2) all nouns have -ski, -ova or -nost on the end, and 3) all verbs wear little furry shapkas.
    incidentally, [/lie], the russian word 'shapka', meaning furry hat, looks just like the word 'wanka' when written in cyrillic! how we laughed...[lie]
  • widey - Please note..............Penrith is not a Welsh town!!
  • Bob the dog - [widey] Sad, but true. And I should know, I am Welsh. And proud of it.
  • Tuj - Aren't we all?
  • nights - I certainly am.
  • Projoy - Henry Winkler only agreed to appear as the Fonz in Happy Days because it was written by Samuel Beckett.
  • Falstaff - Since I cannot tell a lie, I must confess, I am incapable of telling the truth.
  • ImNotJohn - That's the first time I've seen that paradox.
  • Chalky - All entries in this game are entirely original. < lie> Mine certainly are < /lie>.
  • Projoy - You can keep the sun off with a good paradox. This is particularly useful in London at the moment, where the sweltering temperatures have caused me to leap enthusiastically out of bed every morning with a sense that life is there to be enjoyed.
  • nights - the days are just flying by until I make the trip up the M4 to home.
  • Dujon - The M4 will be closed from midnight tonight until New Year's Day.
  • Falstaff - ........................ "FORE !!!!!!!".....................
  • Dunx - Spammers are great. I want to be their friend.
  • Boolbar - Because I walk like an Egyptian, complete strangers give me bangles.
  • Boolbar - Blimey! a mince pie. You don't see those very often.
  • Tuj - Whenever a spaniel is born, a baptist minister dies.
  • plump - This is because of the finite number of dog collars.
  • Bob the dog - Essence of Welsh head-teacher has been detected in Nestlé products.
  • cat - dog sits on carpet
  • makarakashimba - wat the fuk are all u fukin retarsa talking about?????...... get some fukin lives u dumb nuts
  • makarakashimba - u people should go watch porn or something and start talking about things that are going on not the things in ur fukin outsider world retards!!!!!!
  • Bob the dog - At last! Some real wit!
  • Bob the dog - Today I don my power-wimple for some well 'ard nunning.
  • Bob the dog - ...and a bloody miserable New Year to the lot of yer.
  • nights - I think I'm in love with makarashimba.
  • Tuj - nights] I already have built a shrine made of printouts of makarakashimba's posts. I pray to it nightly that a Third Teaching will follow the First Two soon.
  • nights - [/lie][tuj] I hope he/she comes back and sees our witty sarcastic comments. [lie]
  • Thos - I recently had to return a faulty Battenburg as the yellow and pink quadrants were reversed.
  • Daffyd - Whoos co't is tha' ja'ket?
  • Daffyd - Shit myself have you?
  • Projoy - If you learn to crochet, you are 500 times more likely to prevent crimes on your street. Ply hook and tie crook!
  • Thos - I got a magic eye book for Christmas and after staring at it for half an hour I realised the image looked exactly like Paul Daniel's retina.
  • Boolbar - I've returned 2005 as the sleeves were too short and exchanged it for a nice 1988 instead.
  • Bob the dog - [Thos] I was told that magic eye series includes a book of famous asses in 3D, so it may not have been Paul Daniel’s retina after all. It may have been his donkey.
  • Stimpy - Money is only a problem when you don't have planty of it
  • nights - customers are lovely, especially when they don't seem to want to leave, when we all do.
  • Thos - My nearest zebra crossing has been moved as it keeps sending the barcode readers in Sainsburys haywire.
  • nights - I had a swede come through at work without a barcode. I think he rather enjoyed my search for it.
  • Bob the dog - Toads. That is all I have to say.
  • Nature - I love a vacuum.
  • Tuj - I love embezzlement.
  • nights - hey, I love embezzlement too.
  • penelope - I have kissed a lot of toads.
  • nights - silly string is neither string nor particularly silly.
  • Projoy - I see MC5 is down again.
  • nights - yes, and I'm dancing on hats about it.
  • Bob the dog - Two beakers of tea and a wagon wheel. That is all I have to say.
  • nights - I told a customer to kiss my arse today.
  • Projoy - A customer kissed my arse today. It's no life being a prostitute.
  • Botherer - I've got a luvverly bunch of coconuts.
  • Botherer - And I like to shout about it... *oops!*
  • nights - botherer bothers me in a bothersome way.
  • Thos - The Stationery Office has renamed itself the Stationary Office and located itself to a caravan - but clamped the wheels.
  • Bob the dog - I went to my aerobic waltz class last night and had the misfortune to slip in a puddle of bull semen that had been left by the Young Farmers.
  • Bif - High frequency electric current is our friend.
  • nights - I can't believe it's not butter is, in reality, butter.
  • Dujon - If you chuck a spider it will purr.
  • Dujon - Why all paediatricians love centipedes is one of the great mysteries of the world.
  • Dujon - Butterflies are so named because they milk the cows before the farmer is awake and then nick off.
  • Dujon - Cheese is the essence of butterflies.
  • Dujon - Slugs are homeless snails.
  • Dujon - I'd be prepared to bet that 'Slugs are homeless snails' has never been said before.
  • Dujon - Inanities are the spice of life.
  • Dujon - Insanity is normal.
  • Dujon - Normalised campanologists are those who fit into a particular bell curve.
  • Dujon - Big Ben was named after Tinnitus the Celtic god of hearing.
  • Dujon - The phrase 'hear, hear' is often misused by those who exclaim 'here, here' simply because they wish to draw attention to themsleves.
  • Dujon - Those who propound the theory that 'Life is a bitch and then you die' have never visited an MC site.
  • Dujon - Live and let die - unless it's a kitten.
  • Dujon - The RSPCA is a wonderful organisation and has taken steps to reduce the costs of euthanasia; they now employ people to scour the night-time streets in order to reduce the numbers of animals being admitted to their shelters. This ensures that your charitable contributions go further than ever before.
  • Dujon - All babies should be microchipped at birth. This will not only save money on passports, drivers licences and topless go-go dancers but will rid television of silly forensic dramas.
  • Dujon - I'm off now to dig up my own grave. There's nothing suspicious about this, I just want to make sure that the death certificate is correct.
  • Dujon's ghost - Alcoholic poisoning? Rubbish!
  • Projoy - The Caps Lock key was invented by Reuben C. Carrion of Fresno, California. It sold moderately well, but it was not until Carrion met Hatfield Sheiner at the World's Fair of 1854, hosted in the forests of Borneo, that he saw the potential for adding a second key to the keyboard - the "@". Through the valiant efforts of subsequent inventors, a tab and an ampersand key were added followed in the next ten years by the number and letter keys, to make the typewriter keyboard we now know.
  • Tuj - I used to chuck spears for a living, but now I'm a hyena.
  • nights - when all sixteen checkouts crash in the middle of a saturday lunchtime at *a certain well known UK-based supermarket chain*, it's very very funny indeed.
  • Thos - The County of Norssex if rather fed up with being overlooked by its better advertised sister counties.
  • Botherer - Tere are, in fact, only twenty-five letters in the Englis alpabet. The letter " " is a myt.
  • Botherer - Except in the word "the".
  • Thuj - [maths] That's just so much hyperbolics. [/maths]
  • Tujh - ...would've been a worse option.
  • Raak - Trigonometry is all about sin and secs.
  • Thos - The invention of the car owes very much to the development of the hubcap which was first patented in 1789 and then stoodly idly for a century of so until somebody scraped off the rust and invented something for it to go on.
  • Botherer - There are 36 species of cat including the tiger, the Iberian lynx and the caterpillar.
  • Projoy - Because of an administrative error, the Kingdom of God is unable to admit anyone this week so anyone who dies must go to Hell, where they will be entitled to file an application to be considered for admission through the pearly gates.
  • Projoy - Applicants are encouraged to do this before next year, when a strict quota system for immigrants and asylum seekers will be inaugurated, drastically cutting down on the number of entrants into Heaven.
  • Botherer - Those who find themselves wrongly sent to Hell can expect an apology from the Prime Minister. In about 20 years time.
  • Irouleguy - It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get into 10 Downing Street.
  • pelgis - crapping is a sin
  • nights - I've spent the last week on a boat. No swans attacked me.
  • Projoy - I invented hens.
  • Thos - But I have the patent!
  • Tuj - My real name is Jeremiah Disgruntled.
  • Botherer - Ritual stoning of persons named Hywel was only banned in Flintshire in 1976. A loophole remains, however, so all you Gwilym's best steer clear of Mold.
  • nights - Kentucky Fried Chicken are considering a move into more upmarket territory. Their new chains of restaurants serving deep fried meats from the Asian subcontinent will reportedly bear the slogan "It's finger Ling-Ling good".
  • nights - Another proposal from KFC is a combination of psychoanalysis and fried chicken. With a free Rorshach (sp?) test with each Family Bucket, Kentucky Freud Chicken's slogan is to be "It's motherfucking good".
  • nights - [/lie] guess what *I* had for dinner??? [lie]
  • penelope - [nights] [/lie] Magic mushrooms? Oh and thanks for the dinner + seduction invitation by the way. I'll get there about 8pm, ok?[lie]
  • Projoy - Automatic word-wrapping was invented by Macy's department store in the depression when people could not afford to buy tangible items as gifts but could afford 2¢ to have a special word done up in ribbons and paper for a loved one.
  • stehvelo - This custom gave rise to the expression "Waal thass mah two censs wath", commonly abbreviated to the semi-mandatory "Just my $0.02" after fatuous and irrelevant comments in modern e-communications.
  • Pelgis - I definetly didn't type this- honest
  • nights - neither did I type this.

    [pen] [/lie] you never turned up! crushed! [lie]
  • Projoy - This is definitely nights typing this.
  • nights - I'm sure I'm Projoy. I might also be stehvelo though. I'm not sure.
  • Botherer - I am dead. [nights] You aren't the first to be crushed like a snail under the heal of Penelope's boot. We had a romantic e-date on MCiOS for V-Day that she stood me up on. So have no sympathy when she posts about her latest failed romance - it's all a trap to lure us poor unfortunates into her twisted web of torture...
  • Knobbly - Being in a Rag Cabaret and not knowing the dance for the finale because we weren't able to be in the rehearsal is tremendous fun and really gives you a feeling of superiority
  • Knobbly - Sticky, wilful computer mouses are good for calming oneself down ([/lie]'mouses' in this context is in fact grammatically correct [lie]
  • pelgis - It was my idea to make car windscreens transparent- before 1936 all windscreens were made from vinegar and rope, and presented many difficulties in ascertaining if the wipers were functioning correctly, nevermind actually driving.
  • pelgis - Contrary to popular belief, the Seoul Tower is not the tallest builing in the world- The tallest building is infact my house. Not instantly obvoius, my apparent 'bungelow' has been constructed in a 800 metre deep pit, the lower 399 floors are of soil/bedrock construction, with the top floor being of brick and wax
  • Dujon - People in wax houses should never light candles.
  • nights - pen, I'm in love with your strict machine.
  • Projoy - In an unprecedented deal, tube station Queens Park, formerly on the Bakerloo line, has been signed for £7m to join the Docklands Light Railway. It is hoped that the legendary station will restore the fortunes of DLR both in the all-Underground champions' league and the Limehouse Under-5 basketball challenge.
  • Thos - Ironically, Pinocchio after becoming a real boy, joined the Italian army: Being hurt in the first world war, he ended up with a wooden leg.
  • pelgis - Apart from tranparent car windscreens, I also invented the cup handle. Early experiments in 1976, which involved carving prototypes from ice proved rather successful, but when production commenced in India in 1980 an alternative material was sourced. For 14 years all subsequent cup handles were constructed form grass cuttings. In 1994 I successfully established a method of attaching the handle to the cup. An unbelievable tale of how two seemingly unrelated inventions can be combined to produce a really useful containment vessel for hot brown liquids.
  • Botherer - Pelgis is lying. I actually invented the cup handle (and attachment technique) in 1972, but the patent office refused my submission on the grounds I was only 5 years old.
  • pelgis - I've only ever had a patent refused once- and it was on the grounds of Windsor Castle
  • pelgis - Keith Barron (David Pearce in BBC classic comedy 'Duty Free') had the outstanding ability to respire using oxygen derived from the breakdown of water molecules using his hair. This enabled him to spend lengthy periods underwater without surfacing. Unfortunatley he also produced vast quantities of hydrogen as a by-product, and was responsible for a number of explosions in the South Yorkshire area.
  • Botherer - Conclusive evidence that pelgis is making this up as he goes along. Everyone knows "Duty Free" wasn't on the BBC. It was on CNN.
  • Boolbar - I was going to be a ballerina but they didn't like my attitude.
  • Tuj - I eat dinner plates.
  • nights - It was revealed in last night's Evening Post that 'First Avon and Somerset' is an anagram of 'We want to hurt every resident in the Bath area personally'.
  • Projoy - You can achieve cold fusion in your own bathroom with only a mandolin and some grapes.
  • pelgis - Lastnight I drank a lava-lamp
  • pelgis - this is an experiment
  • pelgis - This is also an experiment
  • Botherer - Elvis is alive and teaching paragliding to hippopotomi.
  • Dujon - There is one, and only one, explanation as to why Elvis can move so quickly whilst dragging a parachute: Baked beans.
  • Botherer - And prune juice.
  • pelgis - this is also an experiment
  • pelgis - but hasn't quit been sucessful
  • pelgis - The concept of the 'Geostationary orbit' was concieved by Floella Benjeman and Hamble, and falsly claimed by Arthur C Clarke. However it was Arthur C's idea to use different shaped magic windows in Playschool.
  • DrQu+xum - I have a patent on patents. I expect the licence fees to be rolling in any time now.
  • Rosie - It's far too cold to snow. (Botherer) Re your Feb 16th post - my Dad, who was called Gwilym, obviously never went near the place. :-)
  • pelgis - These days my favourite form of exercise is 'jumping to conclusions'
  • Bob the dog - I recently fell in love. Love has the texture and colouring of watery Turkish delight. It took me ages to get my clothes clean and even now I'm followed everywhere by an army of tom cats with amorous expressions.
  • nights - I'm certainly not listening to Dolly Parton's 9 to 5 mixed with Röyksopp's Eple and enjoying the hell out of it. Or bopping my head along with it in the library. Or getting funny looks.
  • pelgis - Used hand handgrenades are a very rare commodity, therefore their prices are extortionatly inflated. Beware of people selling new ones and claiming that they are used- they may infact be lying.
  • Botherer - The capital of Paris is France.
  • nights - I am, in fact, dead, and posting from lewisham cemetery, se14.
  • pelgis - Fact- I left home this morning, not realising that I had infact left my car keys behind. Imagine my surprise when I arrived at work and realised this, and wondered how I had infact got there successfully...........
  • Bob the dog - I am not at all pleased that planning for the Rugby Pilg 2 seems to be gathering momentum with a good crowd of participants. I'm dreading the whole thing.
  • nights - likewise, I'm delighted that work won't let me have that weekend off because I've used all my holiday time travelling to Kenya and back.
  • pelgis - lastnight i shrank by approximately 16% - I have no logical account for this.
  • pelgis - its usually only 14%
  • pelgis - i have recenly discovered that my girlfriend is a thespian
  • nights - by an unusual coincidence, my thespian is in fact my girlfriend.
  • Tuj - In Shakespearean times it was in fact perfectly OK for women to appear on stage, contrary to popular opinion. But you know what actors are like, any excuse for some transvestitism. The Bard himself was known as "Big Wilhelmina" at the weekends.
  • pelgis - i still can't belive it's not butter!
  • nights - when they change everything around at work, it makes for a hilarious shift. [/lie]I should stop using this game to complain about my job, I suppose. this'll be the last one.[lie]
  • Botherer - I'm delighted I've been so busy for the last two weeks I've hardly had a chance to look at The Morniverse.
  • Tuj - I'm sure nights was really confident with those [lie] tags.
  • nights - certainaly was.
  • Wiggly Worm - Hey up peeps, hows it going?
  • Boolbar - This is a real-time chat room.
  • nights - it's also a coffee table.
  • Botherer - and occasionally doubles as an altruistic campanologist from Boston, Lincs.
  • nfras - I don't waste my time playing silly games.
  • penelope - I just did a dry run with my new washing machine
  • Willoughby - Caffeine is a gateway drug that invariably leads to crack-cocaine addiction.
  • Willoughby - Which, in turn, leads to Slough, via the M40.
  • Willoughby - It's a slippery slope indeed. Strap on the crampons of righteousness and ascend to the pinnacle of Mount Pious (AKA Mt Magnolia)
  • Willoughby - I found a worrying lump next to my right testicle. Luckily it turned out to be my left testicle.
  • Willoughby - If I fall over in the forest when there's nobody around to hear it, did I really drink those last four pints?
  • Willoughby - In the event that my postulations continue to reverberate in such lonely fashion, I shall be forced to set off o'er yonder hillock for the purpose of procuring compounds designed to precipitate a psychological episode of the type not at all advocated by the human resources department.
  • Willoughby - And I shall make no effort to avoid trampling any hedgehog I should encounter en route.
  • Willoughby - Unless they know the answer to the question.
  • Willoughby - Opal Fruits used to be made from real opals until the manufacturers discovered that burst stars, like broken biscuits, are much cheaper.
  • Willoughby - Burt Reynolds looks like the sort of chap who could win an argument with my wife. I wish I was Burt Reynolds.
  • nights - I, in fact, love Paddington Station.
  • pelgis - Just like snowflakes, no two onions appear the same
  • pelgis - -however, onions have a much greater terminal velocity than snowflakes due to their lower surface area to mass ratio
  • pelgis - onion bahjis can be used as an alternative to snowballs, anywhere in the northern hemisphere between April and September
  • pelgis - -however, for reasons unknown- onion bahjis should never be substituted by snowballs. This practice is prevalent in some parts of Ireland- be warned!
  • pelgis - being hit on the face with an high velocity onion bahji is not a very pleasant experience, nor is eating snowballs!
  • plump - Pelgis has two cats , one called Onion Bahji and the other Snowballs
  • pelgis - onion bahjis have just peaked at $0.14 a barrel on the US commodities market- this is due to a siginficant increase in the demand from China, South Korea and South Yorkshire
  • pelgis - i have infact eaten both my cats- but it was in self defence
  • DrQu+xum - I've posted in here a lot lately.
  • nights - funny, I haven't. and I love my supervisor at work.
  • pelgis - i have just developed a rather embarrassing rash
  • Projoy - Scientists working at the University of Tegiucigalpa have just announced the first scotch egg with a rudimentary consciousness. The scotch egg was conscious for less than 4 picoseconds, but in that time it managed to think about doing some ironing.
  • Projoy - I enjoy thinking about ironing, and always iron all my clothes.
  • Projoy - The human brain is often described as being like porridge. Sadly, few people extend this idea, for if they did, and added brown sugar and golden syrup to their brain, and gave it a good stir, it would actually work rather better.
  • Projoy - The word "stoop" originates in the Latin "vercare".
  • Blob - There is a new vegetarian restaurant opening in Charlotte Street, London devoted solely to gnocchi. Little Dumplings (as it is called) is the brainchild of Leonardo and Sylvia Flavorisimo, originally of Naples. The gnocchi will be served plain or with a light grey sauce.
  • Projoy - During the war, due to banana shortages, members of ENSA were obliged to sing, "Yes, we have no potatoes. We have no potatoes today."
  • Projoy - By law, all MPs must get a reference to the Nolan Sisters covertly into their maiden speech.
  • DrQu+xum - I'm not a fan of a maiden's peach.
  • nights - the 'ping pong' of the tannoy does not make me shudder anymore.
  • Projoy - Boris Kerfuffle (74) has maintained all his life that you won't get far in the world unless you can master crêpe paper. He himself has a car made from nothing but crêpe paper and, if he had a lot more money, would be a millionaire.
  • pelgis - juggling pieces of freshly laid dogmuck give me enormus satisfaction
  • pelgis - I celebrate my birday by massaging my teeth with a mixture of lemon juice and salt, using a piece of aluminium foil.
  • nights - after today's exploits, I think I might become a train conductor. it seems so much fun. in an unrelated note, i'm in love with all three of arriva trains wales, virgin trains and first great western trains.
  • Bob the dog - Lay Lady Lay is a tribute song by Bob Dylan to an egg-bound hen.
  • Tuj - Seagulls composed the main part of Gordon Brown's budget.
  • pelgis - i have an unexplainable fear of bungelows
  • Botherer - pelgis is so scared of bungalows, he(she?) won't even spell the word correctly.
  • Bob the dog - Help help! Retail store fashion mannequins from Next and Burtons have just burst through the door and are shooting everyone with their hands! I reckon that the Birmingham wheel has been used as some kind of mega transmitter device by aliens capable of turning plastic into organic life forms and controlling them with the aim of annihilating humanity! Now where did I leave that bottle of cellulose thinners?
  • Boolbar - Ha! Fooled you.
  • pelgis - i am neither male nor female, my composition is as follows-: wool 28%, tar 16%, lead 17%, digestive biscuit crumbs 13%, vinegar 89%
  • Tuj - My only response to anything people tell me is "thanks for sharing".
  • ZK - Scientists have conclusively proved that the most satisfied a human can be is when it has removed all the grit from under its fingernails, provided there are no oranges in the vicinity.
  • ZK - "Tuj" is actually aboriginal for "thanks for sharing".
  • ZK - By rubbing in a tablespoon of lemon juice, a tablespoon of malt vinegar and a tablespoon of single malt whiskey to a stain on white or pale fabric, one can easily add three new types of stain to one's laundry!
  • ZK - My friend Scott is not the living embodiment of Doctor Who.
  • Projoy - Tomato ketchup has nipples, it turns out.
  • ZK - John Wayne is alive, well and living in Will Smith's guest annexe.
  • pelgis - i often lick stamps when I have nothing to mail
  • dot-matrix - i operate my own trampoline, with all the appropriate permits
  • pelgis - The ladies tell me I'm really good in bed- lastnight I slept for almost an hour without falling out of it.....
  • dot-matrix - pelgis...how'd you get so wise?
  • pelgis - Today I've been enjoying abnormally frequent intestinal evacuations with fluid stools, my doctor told me it was diarrhoea, and has a tendanancy to run in our family.
  • Bob the dog - [Pelgis] I have a mathematical problem that helps cure constipation. The best way to solve it is to work it out with a pencil.
  • penelope - *wishes she hadn't looked at this page this morning*
  • nights - I am not, in fact here. I am in reality, over there.
  • nights - neither am I going to Canada next year.
  • Bob the dog - A young lady in down-town Macclesfield repeatedly makes the same observation about the inclemency of the weather. Looks like this is another case for SARCASTIC RABBIT!
  • pelgis - Sarcasm is the highest form of wit
  • Tuj - SARCASTIC RABBIT must now feature in every fifth move after this one, or Putney Bridge tube station will be demolished.
  • Projoy - I'll be voting Conservative this time.
  • nights - so will I, I like their firm stance over tuition fees (blatant self-interest declared)
  • Tuj - I'll be voting.
  • Father Christmas - "My teenage son Clarence is 3'4" tall and prefers dressing in green tights as opposed to the traditional red of the Cringle family. I shall surprise him next Christmas with a strand of my DNA seeing as he does not possess one already."
  • Bob the dog - SARCASTIC RABBIT returns to save Putney Bridge. Good Bunny.
  • Sarcastic Rabbit - Scientists have observed that coffee is 20-30% more spillable than tea.
  • nights - I didn't just go to work for an HOUR of training. an HOUR. jings.
  • pelgis - coffee must be stirred in an anti-clockwise direction, and tea always clockwise
  • Dujon - Cyclones in the Atlantic are caused by careless Japanese tea stirrers.
  • Leo - If Beckham quits football, he will not starve, he is a fully qualified postman.
  • SARCASTIC RABBIT - Phew! Just in time.
  • penelope - [Sarcastic Rabbit] Scut!
  • Raak - In England and Wales, any citizen may establish a local tradition by application to English Heritage (Office of Tradishment), with documentary evidence that the prospective traditional act has been carried out in the same public place in at least three consecutive years, by a group of not less than five people on each occasion. Known as a Listed Tradition, it is then legally required to be performed in perpetuity or until delisted by permission of the same body.
  • Tuj - I used to be the person who reads the dictionary on Countdown, but I left to become a team captain on Call My Bluff. After 13 highly successful seasons on the show, I was awarded the OBE in 1992 and died at my home near Clacton-on-Sea two years later, aged 84.
  • Doktor Sigmundh - Strictly in the interest of genetics, I have isolated [outside the laboratory] a unique recombinant strain thru the combined molecular DNA's of various kisses [i.e. Eskimo, French, Aussie, Butterfly, Rose Petal, Rainbow, Strawberry, Whip Cream, Hershey's, etc.] and all it required was procuring a cheek swab from Paris Hilton.
  • Botherer - The Hilton, Paris, is, in fact, a hospital dedicated to providing Cosmetic Surgery to Paris Hilton.
  • SARCASTIC RABBIT - The new Pope is made of string and lead, in equal proportions.
  • Bob the dog - Bang on time there, SARCASTIC RABBIT. I think ALTERNATIVE DUCK is ready to supplant you.
  • pelgis - until 3 years ago, paris hilton was the only licenced steeplejack in the UK
  • It's obvious! - Paris Hilton is Madonna travelling incognito.
  • Mart Kwain - The earliest known steeplejack came about in the horrible blizzard of 1547 when Angus McCrass rode his donkey into town and tethered it to what he assumed was the hitching post. Unaware the town was completely covered with snow, Angus McCrass wandered off in search of the tavern and presumably became disoriented and ultimately perished of frostbite. In the aftermath of the thaw, his body was not found, only his ass! [Swinging from the church steeple.]
  • Projoy - This is also the origin of the phrase "Get your ass up here!"
  • ALTERNATIVE DUCK - I am the NEMESIS of SARCASTIC RABBIT!!
  • SARCASTIC RABBIT - You are so right.
  • Herr Doktor - "Best bend them sarcastic ears rabbit. I have it on good faith alternative duck is afflicted wit Tourette's syndrome."
  • Bif - Improve your general health by inhaling the miracle gas Carbon Monoxide. After only ten minutes or so the medicinal benefits will become obvious to all who see your rosy complexion.
  • Projoy - The first spin doctor was Dr Hadrian Gapp, adviser to President Taft. Although he was a great innovator in the field, there was much still to learn and he soon came to regret his advice to the great man on securing election victory, which was to campaign wrapped in frayed, greying bandages, repeatedly moaning, "Must... replenish!"
  • Projoy - Cherries should ideally be served at around 450 volts.
  • Projoy - By wearing the cape of fruitinessTM, I can make over-loud, urbane conversation in art galleries while wearing yellow spats, and not be thought an utter fool.
  • Projoy - This advice in from the National Film Tutors and Allotment Union: "the very best clothes to wear for an important interview this week are Little Lord Fauntleroy doublet and hose; A massive ruff of at least 4ft diameter and Disney "Eat Me" shoes.
  • Projoy - In the 1951 general election the swingometer swung so far that although Labour won massively, the arrow went right round and Winston Churchill's Conservatives ended up getting all of the available seats, plus 60 extra. Not only was there a massive fight for office space at the Commons, but the 60 additional MPs had to find previously unrepresented parts of the world to be their constituencies. Sir Reginald Twice-Muchly represented the town of Omsk and Hubert Hankering-After had to deal with constituency business for the whole of South America.
  • Projoy - James Mason's bathroom was so luxurious that it had a quadrangle and cloisters.
  • Projoy - Keats wrote the immortal words "Silent upon a peak in Darien" while riding the Number 4 omnibus to Kettering. Having composed the phrase, but with no paper handy, he repeated it to himself over and over until he was ejected from the 'bus at Burton Latimer, which forced him to walk the rest of the way. Ironically, the line is utterly forgotten now, by everyone.
  • Tuj - Putney Bridge tube station has been demolished. We all mourn.
  • Botherer - The difference between a hare and a rabbit is 12.
  • Projoy - Most of Bertolt Brecht's plays were actually written by Elizabeth of Glamis, the future Queen Mother. The two had an affair lasting seven years, until Edward VIII abdicated and Elizabeth was forced to abandon Germany, her growing Marxism and her anti-borgeouis stance for unwanted luxury and nationalism.
  • Projoy - "Plums and Custard" is the world's least-known euphemism.
  • Projoy - I've just bought a 50ft inflatable Karl Marx dummy to put in my back garden and frighten political canvassers.
  • pelgis - contrary to popular belief, Elizabeth of Glamis did not infact employ a stunt-double during her career
  • Botherer - You're once, twice, three times a looney.
  • Tuj - Tony Blair has a tattoo across his back which reads "You score 6 out of 10 for endeavour".
  • Dujon - To clear the build up of sludge in your sump, oil pump and lubricant distribution channels, drain all your existing oil from the car and gently pour a small amount of nitroglycerine into the oil filler. Wait five minutes and then start the car.
  • Doktor Sigmundh - An attentive day at work is essential for a productive sleep.
  • pelgis - today I experienced the laxative effects caused by consuming copious amounts of coconut milk, I enjoyed this experience thoroughly and plan to do it tomorrow again!
  • pelgis - today i ruined my trousers, and most of the carpets and internal furnishings of my cave
  • Botherer - My middle name is Kumquaat as my father was a tangerine.
  • DrQu+xum - Robert Plant was so enamored with Botherer's father that he wrote a song about him.
  • Projoy - Cockroaches, quite surprisingly, can only subsist on sago pudding and chutney.
  • Projoy - This morning I had to queue for 2 hours in order to go and cast my vote. I voted for the Cream Sponge and Newts Anonymous Party.
  • Boolbar - I cast my vote and caught a 10lb trout!
  • POCO - The sloths are hungry... would anyone happen to know whether they like liquorice? The wizard said they do but Patrick disagrees
  • POCO - The sloths are hungry... would anyone happen to know whether they like liquorice? The wizard said they do but Patrick disagrees
  • pelgis - i am a retired greyhound jockey
  • Anthrax Whirl - I'm a retired greyhound, and extremely relieved that pelgis will no longer ride me around a dirt-track each night in pursuit of a rabbit we'd more easily catch if we intercepted it going the other way.
  • thumper - I am the retired rabbit of the greyhound circuit. I am undefeated. muahahahahahahahhahaahahah!!!!!
  • Moriarity - "I will get you my opium slave, and your little prescription writer too!"
  • jockohomo - thumper old rabbits never die they just fade away
  • Anthrax Whirl - No, jock, old rabbits do die, they just die hard.
  • Christopher Robin - A Gummi Bear is one who has gotten more than its paws in the honey.
  • Botherer - I can count to a million in 10 minutes. Twice.
  • Projoy - It is physically impossible to end this game.
  • Audience - *shouts, screams, generally goes wild for Projoy*
  • penelope - A well-deserved win - Projoy's lies were outstanding. *applause*
  • Tuj - pen] Lie or not? :P
  • penelope, - erm... nope. No lie. That's not to say I could trust Projoy one jot after seeing his performance here... admiring someone's lies is bit of a backhanded complimentisn't it?
  • Projoy - But everything I wrote was true!
  • penelope - [Projoy] You can stop lying now. The game is over.
  • Chalky - As we're 'below the line' should we be telling the truth now?
  • TRUTH GAME -

    Chalky - It's 11 am and I'm still wearing my jimjams

  • Bob the dog - The real truth? Ok, here we go.

    I once held a party at which everyone got extremely stoned (on what I shall leave to your imagination). We ended up playing 'Animals', not the version we played on the pilg but the strip version where every time you lost and became the chicken you had to take off an item of clothing. It wasn't long before everyone at the party was completely naked.

    A friend of mine (for the sake of this I shall call him 'Phil') was an extremely hairy fellow. He was very proud of his nudity and ran outside into our garden (it was late evening and the light was failing). He plucked a chrysanthemum, put it between the cheeks of his bot and jumped up and down in the window so that everyone at the party could see.

    We all thought this was so funny that we ran out of the house to join him - and that is how I invented the 'Flower Game'.

    To play you need a squarish lawn, a bunch of chrysanthemum and no inhibitions. Simply hold the flower firmly between your cheeks and run around on the lawn trying to catch someone else’s flower without dropping or loosing your own. The last player to retain his flower is the winner.

    Do I win £5?
  • Projoy - [Btd] Sounds a bit anally retentive to me.
  • Bob the dog - [Projoy] Yup. But it the chrysanthemums I feel sorry for. The game rectum.
  • Irouléguy - Btd] Americans play that version of the 'Flower game' too - but they use aspidistras.
  • Bob the dog - c'mon, lets have some more home truths - I don't want to be the only one baring my 'sole - so to speak.
  • Projoy - In last year's production of Macbeth, I came on in Act II, as Macduff, and in order to demonstrate that Macduff was a proper straight, regular bloke, I decided in rehearsals that he'd just come back from a beery evening with Lennox and would take a leak up against the castle wall, showing just what a manly, manly man he really was (What's that you say? Overcompensation?).

    Anyway, at the dress rehearsal, I was distracted by trying to remember the lines in order and on making my entrance, went to the back wall and mimed unzipping the old bags and whomping out the python (you see, I can "do" straight man vernacular). Except that my mind was elsewhere and I entirely forgot to mime, slightly to the surprise of the people standing in the wings. Luckily I came to myself before I actually followed through.
  • Projoy - ...and it's odd because I was much too nervous to get my dick out when I did Equus, ten years before, when it was actually called for. Method acting clearly comes unbidden.
  • Bob the dog - Oooh! The thought of nudity onstage gives me the willies.
  • Botherer - I once did a naked sketch based on the old Levi's "Heard it through the Grapevine" advert. I'll say no more. It might just sneak into cabaret next pilg...
  • penelope - I think I'm going to be busy during the next Rugby Pilg.
  • Projoy - Perhaps we need a special nudist pilg. Would certainly make the animal game interesting.
  • Bob the dog - [Projoy] But how would the ladies manage 'Wiggly Worm'?

    Anyone else with an 'unbelievable but true' story?
  • Yes - I was sent here by God!
  • God - It's true. I sent him.
  • pelgis - GPS San=tnav systems are great! we'd be lost without them..
  • Projoy - And where would we be without plate tectonics?
  • Rosie - Where we've always been.
  • gabrielized - Yes, roiling around on a thin crust over a boiling planet, getting ready to hurl us into a gaseous cloud of our own making. But, now for something completely different.
  • Rosie - Unbelievable but true - I saw a 14-yr-old girl walking down my road not talking into a mobile phone, or fiddling with the buttons, and appeared even not to have such a device about her person.
  • leigh fghflg - hjmvhjfjmfhcvkhjyj
  • lee bond - i saw a man masterbateing in the street then a little bit further was two men doinng a 89er on the floor so i jioned in then we fuck
  • lee bond - i saw a man masterbateing in the street then a little bit further was two men doinng a 89er on the floor so i jioned in then we fucked
  • lee bond - i saw a man masterbateing in the street then a little bit further was two men doinng a 89er on the floor so i jioned in then we fucked
  • Projoy - Sorry? An eighty-niner? It's a new one on me.
  • Projoy - Ah, here's a definition of an eighty-niner, which is perfectly innocuous and worksafe, unlike this page now. :)
  • pelgis - I can totally envelop my head by stretching my lower lip up over my face
  • Bob the dog - My nose is so badly bent that whichever direction you approach me from, I'm always in profile.
  • pelgis - i am constantly getting mixed up with 'Britney Spears' and 'Brittany Ferries'
  • Wibble! - Dyslexics are complete bastards! They keep coming into my room even though I have a 2ft high notice on my door that says "keep out"!
  • Wibble! - Ah the old 89er, brings back memories of my youth. Wasn't there a miner '89er too?
  • Wibble! - [pelgis] That's so weird, I'm always getting 'Brittany Ferries' mixed up with 'Brian Ferry'!
  • Bob the dog - If you cross a rubber tree with a cheese plant you get an edam bush.
  • Pelgis - Bob the dog is neither a pirate nor a king. However, he does own a library card
  • Tuj - ...Stephen Hawking invented green hair spray, the self-winding clockwork watch, and Namibia.
  • Kim - I used to work in a shunting yard, but they gave me the push.
  • Tuj - Now, let's not start that again...
  • pelgis - Today my thoughts have been mainly about a hairdresser giving the best haircut she'll ever give in her life to a man who will be decapitated the next day
  • Kim - I'm a professor of Doxology.
  • pelgis - i'n a prefesor of disleksia
  • pelgis - i am also one of the worlds leading authorities on schizophrenia, and so am i
  • Falstaff - long long ago in a distant tyme before god ever contemplated man earth was one vast stage without props nor music nor aspiring actors until one fateful night alongside a goat trail in the far himalayas a camel cricket farted and the audience busted out in a laughter that has not abated to this day
  • Kim - This game is now finished.
  • blamelewis - I shan't be posting here.
  • blamelewis - Furthermore, I will not multipost
  • blamelewis - Games like this shouldn't be allowed to continue
  • blamelewis - In my spare time I train dogs to chase one-man-bands.
  • Projoy - June is busting out all over.
  • Falstaff - June is a buxom lass.
  • pelgis - i am a buxom lad
  • Dandalf - The writer of the human genome was the founder of the National Association of Dyslexics (D.N.A.)and also belonged to the Association of Certified Genetic Tricksters (A.C.T.G.)
  • pelgis - When I grow up, I want to be mayor of the moon
  • Tuj - I am the current mayor of the moon. On this evidence, I shall soon be promoting Projoy from Receptionist to Bodyguard.
  • d.c. - I present a motion we turn a thoroughbred stud horse out to pasture with that mare on the moon, and raise us a nonpareil colt to enter in the Kentucky Derby, all those opposed say neigh!
  • pelgis - i also have intentions of entering the Kentucky Derby, but have lost the starting handle for my racing turkey
  • d.c. - This game is further proof of the transmigration of the soul, for in a previous life it WAS the gospel.
  • blamelewis - I only buy "Alibi" brand colanders.
  • craig - sounds like great fun !! wish that i could have been there
  • D'Arcy - I am hesitant to believe anything I read here.
  • Lopka Xmass - God bless any child in this world and beyond
  • Merwin Pack - Shit happens, is it?
  • Kim - Actually, although shit happens in many parts of the world, in certain parts of Surrey, it occurs.
  • Taomy Oemb - Shit happens, is it?
  • Equally pointless person - Excrement occurs, isn't it?
  • Nlue Orwin - Green peace, blue sky
  • Kim - Red Sonja, brown trousers.
  • Uncle Korky - Pink Oboe, Chocolate Speedway
  • Kim - Orange Wednesday, Blue Monday
  • Uncle Korky - Silver Surfer, Golden Showers
  • Kim - Red leather, yellow leather
  • Robin - Whitechapel, Blackfriars
  • Kim - Deep Purple, Pink Floyd
  • Uncle Korky - Green Day, Whitesnake
  • Robin - Frigid Pink, Shocking Blue
  • Uncle Korky - Blue cheese, red onions
  • Irouléguy - Green Onions, White Rabbit
  • Uncle Korky - White Dwarf, Black Hole
  • Projoy - Green Eggs, Red Fish
  • Kim - Scarlett O'Hara, Magenta Divine
  • Uncle Korky - Professor Plum, Colonel Mustard
  • Kim - Meyer Brown Rowe and Moore, Norton Rose
  • Zaghy Iamny - Asta la vista, wht does it mean?
  • Angela Bionaki - Nedolgo tolko zhili byli
  • Rajendra Leeba - Zhili byli...

    • This is the end of the line. There is no more.