I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...

And so it begins...

  • Tuj - I live on Cruithne.
  • Tuj - "Smothinism" is the study of obscure facts about beetles, particularly those concerned with The Beatles as well. The word derives from the Greek smotos, meaning "bee", and the Latin hinere, "to tell".
  • Tuj - There is no such thing as aircraft turbulence. This phenomenon in fact only affects London buses, but as this seems so unlikely to those with roughly average IQ or less, special damper/converters are used to channel it to aircraft, where it is now expected.
  • Tuj - The number 3753 is the most uninteresting integer known to man, followed by 162 and 16777217.
  • Tuj - For women, the top three are (in order) 162, 3753 and 781306.
  • Tuj - When writing a CV, be sure to include some very basic spelling mistakes. This reassures any prospective employers that you are human after all, and they'll be sure to hire you.
  • Tuj - In the beginning was the Word. And the word was... plumbers.
  • Tuj - Trenchcoat is a disease of the ear caused by keeping too many fish in your freezer. It can only be cured by a visit to Dorking.
  • Tuj - Toilet humour is the new black.
  • Tuj - In Tanzania, elections are conducted based upon the prospective President's capacity for shouting "MOOSE!" at louder and louder decibels. Controversy ensued after the last election after allegations of cunning ventriloquism.
  • Tuj - The British Isles were created when the Flashcard upon which the Word (plumbers) was Written fell to Earth. This happened diametrically opposite to the present location of our fair isles, and was not only responsible for their location, but also the invention of cheese (long story).
  • Tuj - What I tell thee thrice is true. What I tell thee thrice is true. What I tell thee thrice is true: With underfloor heating units powered by lunar energy.
  • Tuj - The preceding post (minus the pseudonym "Tuj" is taken from the lyrics of a long-lost Status Quo song, their only number one hit in Poland. It was called "Muriel".
  • Tuj - And that should not have read:

    The preceding post (minus the pseudonym "Tuj") is taken from the lyrics of a long-lost Status Quo song, their only number one hit in Poland. It was called "Muriel".

  • Tuj - At present, all buildings are inclined at twenty degrees to the theoretical "axis" of Earth which would pass through their reception desk. However, as covered at www.receptiondeskconspiracies.com, this is believed to be about to change, resulting in worldwide assassinations.
  • Tuj - "Nodosità" is German for schadenfreude.
  • Tuj - There are no such things as kneecaps! This common misconception is based upon the lumps people feel on their "knees".
  • Dunx - I've read all of those.
  • Tuj - The element "Argon" was based on the dying words of its discoverererer, a Greek by the name of Etenicles. Having angered the local king with his talk of his "fascinating" discovery, the King had him beheaded, causing him to cry "Arg".
  • Tuj - Dunx] I am so pleased that you posted just when I was only 10 short of filling the whole page with my own lies. Overjoyed. Honestly.
  • Dujon - Pleasure gained from the use of the Internet is directly proportional to the screen resolution used during such pursuit.
  • Dujon - Contrary to the view expounded by the 'big four' beer barons alcohol consumption does not make the world go round . . . . . and round . . . . . and round ...
  • widey - It has to be said that spoons are a really useful bit of kit........Edward Joshua Peasled Spooner I salute your best invention yet....And they come in plastic now! How wonderful,,,,
  • Dunx - [Tuj] I thought you had finished.
  • Quinnerer - Mary Poppins did not refer to a spoonful of sugar as first thought. She was in fact considering the primitive form of angel dust/pcps. Notice how it makes the 'medicine go down' a mellow ride. It wasn't aimed at crack cocaine, since the first reaction of that obviously is an incredible high. They would have had to revise the song, 'a spoonfull of powder, helps the medicine shoot up.' And there would have been the further need of additional songs, like.. We have a boe for the dog.. giver her to me. That would have been a better song than feed the birds, tuppence a bag. I have never met any pros lately going for tuppence, and my old man says, there werent any slappers for tuppance back in his days either
  • Krungthep - In thailand, there are 3 million tax payers. There are 1.5 million hookers. The sex industry pays a further 4 million people in indirects.. totally earning 20 billion USD a year.. If slappers here were tuppance a go, and you could harnasse the energy expended, you could replace oil as the worlds energy resource. If you could store it, there would be electricity for all. Please send a letter to Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra to back up this suggestion.
  • Mahidol - Thailand has no welfare state.. so, the government don't tax the hookers, and let the money go straight through the love tunnel from buyer to source. Parts of northern Thailand now resemble Switzerland and Germany.. and that applies to the population as well.
  • Bob the dog - I have descovered that car windows can be easily demisted with a jam sandwich.
  • Projoy - Car windows are made of compressed pepper.
  • widey - My car has no windows.........or doors or an engine, it is infact a Fredrick Murgotroyd perambulatory device (aka) a skate board...........FMP, its the only way to travel (apart from all the other ways of course!)
  • widey - I have deduced by painful self experimentation that pepper spary does not make a good substitute for aftershave lotion, it does however, taste great with pizza and chips!
  • widey - spary is the dyslexic form of spray...........I rest my cesa
  • Robin - I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK.
  • Goatie - People are rich when they've got lots of money. People are poor, when they've spent it... on donations to the conservative party.
  • ZK - I like to wear odd socks. Today's are embroidered with a jaunty "Up With Bush" slogan.
  • mumsy - If you can hold your breath for six minutes, you will have beaten that old habit.
  • nights - cheese has finally been proven by leading scienfitic research groups as the major source of familial upsets over the festive period. This Christmas, all UK supermarkets, including *a certain well-known UK supermarket chain*, have agreed to ban its sale to anyone looking moderately cheerful, as it will almost certainly spoil what might have otherwise been an excellent Noel.
  • Wild Bill - Am I wrong, is not Condoleeza Rice the sexiest woman alive?
  • Not really Spam, oh no. - Italian Rolex at throw away prices. Impress with your new Rolex. Gift someone you love with a Rolex
  • Natwest.net - Dear Client of the National Westminister Bank,
    Whilst we update our systems, we earnestly urge you to provide your data by clicking on the link below otherwise your access will be blocked and all your account can be frozen.
    http://www.natwest.net/theftofyourmoney/mugs.stm
    We thank you for your cooperation.
  • nights - First Great Western trains have the interests of the customer at heart. (yes, I've been travelling again, and no, it wasn't a good experience.)
  • Sir Henry -
    Sir,
    This eez a genuine letter from the former head of the Treasury of the East African state of Umbongoland. Terrible tradgey has hit our mighty country as we are now being ruled by a cruel dictator –. Before this evil man took power from our glorious Presidente I managed to divert $12m from our vaults for the use of our freedom fighters. Not is it possible for me to pay to my bank account of my own, so it is with gratitude I am asking for access to your credit card so we may liberate the money. In return of this gratious deed I agree for you to keep 10%. Please send detrail to: Wewill Conju at my temporary offices – Expresso Comfort Inns, PO Box 123, Nigeria.
  • widey - 8mm plywood makes a yummy alternative to cardboard as a sandwich filling in emergency culinary situations....Jamie Oliver makes a good alternative "Twat" when the guest chef you booked to cook your dinner party fails to turn up!
  • Dujon - I have just returned from seeing my local doctor about a small problem which has been bothering me for years. When I left he was still on the floor laughing.
  • Dujon - I understand my wife.
  • Dujon - Skip bins are wonderful things, especially when you have about 10 tonnes of 'stuff' to move and they drop it at the top of your 1:4 driveway. This is also a great way to keep fit and in no way manner or form will threaten your wellbeing.
  • Raynard - It is a great day to be a fox, is it not?
  • Sir Henry - This is a message from the Central Line information centre - London Underground is happy to announce that a good service is being operated across all lines this morning. Click.
  • Pelgis - Have you any gadgets in your sock drawer missus?
  • widey - Why are people suprised that we are having frosts and "cold spells" at this time of year...........This is Manchester not Manila!!!!! Its supposed to be cold at this time of year. I blame it on the namby pamby winters of the last 10 years making people soft. I'm glad that the government have finally realised that winters should be cold, its nice to see them getting something right for once....................................
  • Dujon - Because some twit in the Bureau of Meteorology pressed the wrong conversion button it snowed in Sydney yesterday, even though the temperature was 31°C.
  • Knobbly - Travel on public transport is proven to be an effective cure and/or preventative against headaches
  • Projoy - The way to tell the difference between stalagmites and stalctites: stalagmites are all Scorpios, whereas stalactites are all Jewish.
  • Tannoy - *bing bong* "First Avon and Somerset are pleased to inform all bus passengers within the Bath city area that all drivers will now be pleased to accept bus passes in any condition, no matter how battered or dogeared. That is all." (click)
  • Sir Henry - Thank you for calling . . . your call is important to us, you are held in a queue and will be answered shortly . . . [girl from ipanema 20 second loop] . . .Thank you for calling . . . your call is important to us, you are held in a queue and will be answered shortly . . . [girl from ipanema 20 second loop]...Thank you for calling . . . your call is important to us, you are held in a queue and will be answered shortly . . . [girl from ipanema 20 second loop]........ click, "Hello, customer ser...click ooooooooooooooo
  • nights - My presentation tomorrow will go just swimmingly. [/lie] Sir H, have you been on the phone to O2? [lie]
  • Sir Henry - If I leave for that meeting at 05:30 - I'll miss the queues on the M25 [Nights] Yes!
  • Kim - The Nile is not a river in Egypt.
  • nights - My presentation this morning went terribly. ^_^ [/lie] [Sir H] lucky guess, being a customer myself. [lie]
  • Robin - The Nile is a device used in Birmingham to secure two pieces of wood together.
  • Sir Henry - ........ just a little thing but . . .
  • Tuj - I live in a tree
    I live in a tree
    I live in a tree
    And nobody loves me!
  • Dujon - [Tuj] I've sent you a tear drenched tissue via e-mail. I do hope that it doesn't clog up the system.
  • Dujon - Having only ever owned manually driven vehicles and wishing to keep up with current technology I decided the other day to try an automatic. They aren't.
  • nights - Every seventh summer, all colours of the spectrum rotate one to the left (red becoming orange, orange becoming yellow, etc.). Adapt your wardrobe accordingly - preferably light cottons and knits. bonus points for spotting the quote - I'd love it if someone got it.
  • widey - I never get anything......No I tell a lie I once got measles...........
  • widey - and I'm dyslexic
  • Tuj - [Dujon] Message received, message decoded and acted upon. And I've donated a sample of your DNA to the authorities...
  • nights - [penelope] The clinic phoned - they want to see you as well.
  • Sir Henry - Any lifetime guarantee.
  • Widey - Its sad but true, Frosties are not made from frost!!!
  • Tuj - Erm... I think you'll find they are.
  • nights - now now, let's have no arguments. each time you argue with someone, God kills a kitten.
  • Projoy - A herd of wildebeest just swept across my bedroom on their way to the bathroom. When the weather changes they will stampede back to the lounge, forcing me to stop watching the TV and go and have a bath.
  • Projoy - Damn, now the flamingoes have migrated into my wardrobe for the winter.
  • Sir Henry - No they haven't - aha another fluffy animal gone!
    News in - Microsoft have just released Windows [95/98/me/2000/xp - delete as appropriate] which is a much more stable platform than the previous operating system.
  • nights - compatibility problems? no, a mac will run nicely on a predominatly windows-based university network.
  • Projoy - Any line extended infinitely in both directions will be hard to get into your car without opening the hatchback.
  • ImNotJohn - Hatchbacks are so called because that's where new cars are born from.
  • penelope - Pass me a boiled sweet and add me to the list for Diabetes.
  • Dujon - All telephone calls originating from mobile 'phones within the underground system are automatically directed to the Head of Steam.
  • nights - (fades in)GWR FM weather: the southwest will experience an unseasonably warm spell, with temperatures reaching 25 degrees. sunny spells will continue through the day, and there will be a light yet refreshing breeze. Traffic news now, and the M4... (fades out)
  • Chalky - If you're unlucky enough to have to follow a staple diet, avoid strong magnets.
  • Dunx - Chocolate chips are best enjoyed with salt, vinegar, and a rich Hollandaise sauce.
  • Dunx - Ratatouille has been banned in six cities in the western United States because rats are anything but twee.
  • Dunx - Achilles could have been saved after the ultimately fatal blow to his heel, excpet that Paris would give him his plaster.
  • Dunx - I've been listening to the new radio station Philosophy FM, whose motto is "All Aristotle, all the time". Obviously it is targetting the ancients. There is a sister station, Psycho Babble AM, which is targetting the Jung crowd.
  • Dunx - I love testing.
  • penelope - The rich seam of comedic potential just struck by Dunx's latest lies did nothing to tickle my funny bone.
  • Bob the dog - Historians and thespians alike were dismayed to discover that Shakespeare’s first theatre was a globe artichoke.
  • Tuj - The middle name of the current President of the United States is Warehouse.
  • Kim - [Tuj: I think you're confusing him with Nixon.]
  • Sir Henry - Hurricane - I don't think so Mrs - leave the weather forecasting to us experts!
  • widey - I'd just like to say that it wasn't me!!!!!!!!
  • Projoy - Blocked drains can be cleared simply by playing them a recording of You'll Never Walk Alone played by a professional banjo orchestra
  • Projoy - The St Winifred's School Choir are not allowed within forty feet of inflammable materials by order of a Barnsbury court.
  • Projoy - If you close your eyes and swallow a plectrum in St Paul's Cathedral you will receive a night-visitation from Jimi Hendrix within the next forty minutes.
  • Tina - I was so glad to read that the dollar is shrinking. I thought it was just that I'd forgotten to take them out of the pocket of my jeans before washing.
  • Dujon - I just spent a couple of minutes simply standing outside the door of my workshop. The sky was blue with a few fluffy white clouds floating around. The birds, whilst jumping around in the trees, were relatively quiet and the traffic noise was almost non-existent. A zephyr was playing touch with the leaves of the trees and the temperature about 24°C. In the distance I could hear the sound of someone mowing their lawn. I hate this time of year.
  • Bif - McDonalds have been forced to drop McLapin aux Headlights from their menu in the United States owing to the recent outbreak of "Peeved Weasle" disease. It was at first thought that the domestic groundhog could be substituted, but Burger King sued as groundhog is apparently the secret ingredient in the Burger King Croissandhog™. Rather than get into a protracted fight over the rights to free-range rodents, McDonalds Corp. decided to concentrate on their new range of healthy pan-fried iguana dishes.
  • Tuj - I maintain at all times a calm, confident, cheerful state of mind.
  • nights - the reason I moved to Bath from the West Midlands is highly secret and not to be divulged under any circumstances (tax reasons). bother.
  • Snagandorf - All pocket lint in all pockets world wide is one multifasceted yet single concioused superentity.
  • Dunx - "Ferrule" can spelt in fourteen different ways, many of them utilising just the first six letters of the Cyrillic alphabet.
  • Snagandorf - The first crayons will not be produced for another seventy four years, they will by the first invention after the time machine and subsequently the firts trial.
  • nights - russian is basically the same language as english. the main differences are 1) it is spoken more angrily, 2) all nouns have -ski, -ova or -nost on the end, and 3) all verbs wear little furry shapkas.
    incidentally, [/lie], the russian word 'shapka', meaning furry hat, looks just like the word 'wanka' when written in cyrillic! how we laughed...[lie]
  • widey - Please note..............Penrith is not a Welsh town!!
  • Bob the dog - [widey] Sad, but true. And I should know, I am Welsh. And proud of it.
  • Tuj - Aren't we all?
  • nights - I certainly am.
  • Projoy - Henry Winkler only agreed to appear as the Fonz in Happy Days because it was written by Samuel Beckett.
  • Falstaff - Since I cannot tell a lie, I must confess, I am incapable of telling the truth.
  • ImNotJohn - That's the first time I've seen that paradox.
  • Chalky - All entries in this game are entirely original. < lie> Mine certainly are < /lie>.
  • Projoy - You can keep the sun off with a good paradox. This is particularly useful in London at the moment, where the sweltering temperatures have caused me to leap enthusiastically out of bed every morning with a sense that life is there to be enjoyed.
  • nights - the days are just flying by until I make the trip up the M4 to home.
  • Dujon - The M4 will be closed from midnight tonight until New Year's Day.
  • Falstaff - ........................ "FORE !!!!!!!".....................
  • Dunx - Spammers are great. I want to be their friend.
  • Boolbar - Because I walk like an Egyptian, complete strangers give me bangles.
  • Boolbar - Blimey! a mince pie. You don't see those very often.
  • Tuj - Whenever a spaniel is born, a baptist minister dies.
  • plump - This is because of the finite number of dog collars.
  • Bob the dog - Essence of Welsh head-teacher has been detected in Nestlé products.
  • cat - dog sits on carpet
  • makarakashimba - wat the fuk are all u fukin retarsa talking about?????...... get some fukin lives u dumb nuts
  • makarakashimba - u people should go watch porn or something and start talking about things that are going on not the things in ur fukin outsider world retards!!!!!!
  • Bob the dog - At last! Some real wit!
  • Bob the dog - Today I don my power-wimple for some well 'ard nunning.
  • Bob the dog - ...and a bloody miserable New Year to the lot of yer.
  • nights - I think I'm in love with makarashimba.
  • Tuj - nights] I already have built a shrine made of printouts of makarakashimba's posts. I pray to it nightly that a Third Teaching will follow the First Two soon.
  • nights - [/lie][tuj] I hope he/she comes back and sees our witty sarcastic comments. [lie]
  • Thos - I recently had to return a faulty Battenburg as the yellow and pink quadrants were reversed.
  • Daffyd - Whoos co't is tha' ja'ket?
  • Daffyd - Shit myself have you?
  • Projoy - If you learn to crochet, you are 500 times more likely to prevent crimes on your street. Ply hook and tie crook!
  • Thos - I got a magic eye book for Christmas and after staring at it for half an hour I realised the image looked exactly like Paul Daniel's retina.
  • Boolbar - I've returned 2005 as the sleeves were too short and exchanged it for a nice 1988 instead.
  • Bob the dog - [Thos] I was told that magic eye series includes a book of famous asses in 3D, so it may not have been Paul Daniel’s retina after all. It may have been his donkey.
  • Stimpy - Money is only a problem when you don't have planty of it
  • nights - customers are lovely, especially when they don't seem to want to leave, when we all do.
  • Thos - My nearest zebra crossing has been moved as it keeps sending the barcode readers in Sainsburys haywire.
  • nights - I had a swede come through at work without a barcode. I think he rather enjoyed my search for it.
  • Bob the dog - Toads. That is all I have to say.
  • Nature - I love a vacuum.
  • Tuj - I love embezzlement.
  • nights - hey, I love embezzlement too.
  • penelope - I have kissed a lot of toads.
  • nights - silly string is neither string nor particularly silly.
  • Projoy - I see MC5 is down again.
  • nights - yes, and I'm dancing on hats about it.
  • Bob the dog - Two beakers of tea and a wagon wheel. That is all I have to say.
  • nights - I told a customer to kiss my arse today.
  • Projoy - A customer kissed my arse today. It's no life being a prostitute.
  • Botherer - I've got a luvverly bunch of coconuts.
  • Botherer - And I like to shout about it... *oops!*
  • nights - botherer bothers me in a bothersome way.
  • Thos - The Stationery Office has renamed itself the Stationary Office and located itself to a caravan - but clamped the wheels.
  • Bob the dog - I went to my aerobic waltz class last night and had the misfortune to slip in a puddle of bull semen that had been left by the Young Farmers.
  • Bif - High frequency electric current is our friend.
  • nights - I can't believe it's not butter is, in reality, butter.
  • Dujon - If you chuck a spider it will purr.
  • Dujon - Why all paediatricians love centipedes is one of the great mysteries of the world.
  • Dujon - Butterflies are so named because they milk the cows before the farmer is awake and then nick off.
  • Dujon - Cheese is the essence of butterflies.
  • Dujon - Slugs are homeless snails.
  • Dujon - I'd be prepared to bet that 'Slugs are homeless snails' has never been said before.
  • Dujon - Inanities are the spice of life.
  • Dujon - Insanity is normal.
  • Dujon - Normalised campanologists are those who fit into a particular bell curve.
  • Dujon - Big Ben was named after Tinnitus the Celtic god of hearing.
  • Dujon - The phrase 'hear, hear' is often misused by those who exclaim 'here, here' simply because they wish to draw attention to themsleves.
  • Dujon - Those who propound the theory that 'Life is a bitch and then you die' have never visited an MC site.
  • Dujon - Live and let die - unless it's a kitten.
  • Dujon - The RSPCA is a wonderful organisation and has taken steps to reduce the costs of euthanasia; they now employ people to scour the night-time streets in order to reduce the numbers of animals being admitted to their shelters. This ensures that your charitable contributions go further than ever before.
  • Dujon - All babies should be microchipped at birth. This will not only save money on passports, drivers licences and topless go-go dancers but will rid television of silly forensic dramas.
  • Dujon - I'm off now to dig up my own grave. There's nothing suspicious about this, I just want to make sure that the death certificate is correct.
  • Dujon's ghost - Alcoholic poisoning? Rubbish!
  • Projoy - The Caps Lock key was invented by Reuben C. Carrion of Fresno, California. It sold moderately well, but it was not until Carrion met Hatfield Sheiner at the World's Fair of 1854, hosted in the forests of Borneo, that he saw the potential for adding a second key to the keyboard - the "@". Through the valiant efforts of subsequent inventors, a tab and an ampersand key were added followed in the next ten years by the number and letter keys, to make the typewriter keyboard we now know.
  • Tuj - I used to chuck spears for a living, but now I'm a hyena.
    • Expose more - Expose all